Page 34 of Venus in Disguise

“My lady,” Nancy said, shaking her head. “Oh, I don’t dare. Truly, I—”

“Please,” Narcissa repeated shakily. “Please. If you cannot get it to him, take it to Miss Pinkerton and ask her to do so on my behalf. I’m sure she must have left a forwarding address with someone. Please, Nancy.”

Nancy let out a long-suffering sigh but nodded. “I’ll see what I can do,” she said reluctantly, and took the letter from Narcissa’s hand.

Sir,

I pray you will forgive me for the ugly scene and my father’s vile words. I write this in haste and hope that my maid will find a way to get it to you without discovery for I am to be banished from town, back to Hardacre Hall and I do not know when or if I shall ever speak to you again.

Please know that I do not share my father’s views despite what you must think of me. I am foolish and frivolous and terribly spoiled, but not so shallow as all that. Please believe me. I could not bear it if you thought so ill of me as that. I had no intention of causing you distress or embarrassment, though I am horribly aware I am guilty on both counts.

I wish I could ask you to write to me, but I will be allowed no correspondence now, and you must see anything from your hand would be confiscated at once.

Now it is too late I wish I had acted differently, I wish I had not been such a little fool and given you a disgust of me, for you are the only man who I shall think of during my banishment. I hope this revelation is of some pleasure to you, if not a fitting revenge for my idiocy.

Forgive me.

―Excerpt of a letter from The Lady Narcissa Ponsonby to The Hon’ble Ashton Anson.

2nd March 1850, Goshen Court, Monmouthshire.

Ash waited at the front door of Goshen Court, still uncertain of what had prompted him to come here. But he had tried drinking himself into oblivion, which had produced the inevitable after-effects, and he had tried throwing himself back into a world filled with women more than willing to take his mind off of his troubles. Neither attempt to give himself some peace had worked. He had tried damned hard to make his mind stop replaying that scene at Kemble House repeatedly, but it seemed his brain was set on tormenting him.

Narcissa’s white face and set expression nagged at him. The listless way she had agreed with her father’s words made him want to believe she had not truly meant them, yet he had expected her to reject him, so it had hardly been a surprise. She would never have chosen him. Not when it meant that she would cut herself off from everything she had been taught to believe was important.

Perhaps if they had lived in a world where they’d had time to get to know each other, to trust in each other, perhaps then it might have worked. But when every meeting was brief and fraught with the danger of discovery, there was little chance for that. It made the meetings more exciting, heightened feelings so that they grew out of all proportion to reality. It was an unfulfilled fantasy, that was all. This sense of regret, of loss, was simply disappointment that he’d not had more time, that he'd not been able to seduce her. Not that he would have seduced an unmarried girl. Perhaps once she had a husband, they could meet again and… The idea made his stomach roil with unexpected revulsion and he sucked in a deep breath.

Mercifully, the door opened, and Ash hurried inside. The butler accepted his overcoat, hat, and gloves and a footman took the portmanteau from him just as Pip came down the stairs.

“Ash!” he said, beaming at him with such warmth that Ash realised this was why he’d come. He and Pip had been close once, but in recent years they’d seen little of each other. Of course, Ash knew why that was now, and the man’s little daughter, Tilly, was a favourite of his. “Well, this is an unexpected pleasure.”

“Sorry to appear out of the blue,” Ash said with a crooked grin. “I came on the spur of the moment. Didn’t have time to warn you.”

“There’s no need for any warning. You’re always welcome, you know that,” Pip said, before narrowing his eyes, his gaze shrewd as he looked Ash over. “You look like the very devil. What’s amiss?”

“Nothing,” Ash replied automatically, before adding, “Everything.”

“Ah,” Pip said, sympathy in his eyes. “Then you’ve come to the right place. Come through to my study, we’ll have a drink.”

Ash followed him, gravitating immediately to the fire in the hearth as the rest of the room seemed arctic in temperature. Pip went to the sideboard and began pouring drinks. “I’m dashed pleased to see you old man. It’s been an age. Though I ought to warn you—”

Before he could finish the sentence, a door opened and Leo appeared with the huge cat, Mau, draped around his shoulders like a fur stole.

“Ash!” he exclaimed, grinning broadly. “Well, well, this is a turn up. I didn’t expect to see you here. What brings you to these parts?”

Ash repressed a sigh. He was not in the mood to deal with Leo’s brand of good-humoured nonsense. Still, he accepted Leo’s hand, shaking it. “Needed a change of air,” he said noncommittally, smothering a yawn. He’d not slept much the past days and was dead on his feet. “Lord, it was a devilish long journey, though. Couldn’t you get a place in Surrey, Pip? Be a sight easier to get to.”

“Then you’d not have your change of air,” Pip observed dryly, holding out a drink for Ash.

“Don’t mind if I do, thanks,” Leo said, swiping it before Ash could get his hands on it. Pip sighed and went and poured Ash another drink. Ash took it gratefully, downed it in one go, grimaced, and asked for another.

“Blimey,” Leo observed. “Like that, is it? Well, it’s a bit early, but I’m game if you are.”

Ash shook his head. The last thing he wanted to do was get drunk in company with his friends. Heaven only knew what he’d say in his cups. “I’m having this and going to bed.”

Leo exclaimed, outraged that he would retire at such an hour. Ash ignored him, wanting only another drink before he went to bed. Hopefully, the combination of excellent brandy and sheer exhaustion would allow him to sleep without being plagued by thoughts of Narcissa.

“Are you sick?”