Page 87 of Love Lessons

He got to know Zhong better, when he was casually around wherever Dustin was. And somehow Ash had become a part of their little group and could often be found leaning against Zhong’s knee or sitting on his lap.

The weather got warmer and they went on picnics and long runs in gorgeous parks over the weekends. They drove into the city to see an interpreted play and tried new restaurants.

Landon eventually caved to Maggie’s nagging and brought Dustin over to meet her and the kids, and it felt like his family was getting a little bit bigger.

It was almost like a fairytale relationship, with everything he should have needed.

Except.

Except.

Except that he knew this feeling. It was that three-month point where things fell apart. Kinks didn’t quite mesh. Communication didn’t quite work. Expectations didn’t quite match up. And it was happening again.

Ash had been totally wrong. Landon hadn’t made it through three months that day he had subdrop. He’d just started the three months a little later because he was avoiding Dustin at the beginning. The curse was still following him around like his personal rain cloud.

So now he was feeling restless and irritable but couldn’t quite figure out what to do about it. He didn’t want to lose Dustin, and that made him even more worried that anything he did wrong would mess things up.

He tried to be good. To be accommodating and helpful and ready to compromise. It was always what he did when he felt uncertain, because he hated conflict. And he really did like it when Dustin doted on him and took care of him.

He made absolutely certain not to flirt with anyone else, even when Dustin wasn’t around, but that just made him question whether this was what relationships were supposed to be like.

Maggie and Ash both reminded him that relationships needed communication and compromise. But he was getting that itchy feeling, like a lizard that had outgrown his old skin.

What was worse was he got the impression that Dustin wasn’t happy either. He was getting more tentative instead of more confident. The time when they might start exploring more of the kinks that initially brought them together seemed to be getting further away instead of closer.

What if they never reached that point?

It left Landon feeling unmoored.

This was exactly what he’d worried about before getting involved. It was what happened when you let yourself rely on someone and then it didn’t work out. Before Dustin he’d had his own center.

Now he felt like he couldn’t find the ground to place his feet on.

One evening Landon even claimed he had a headache to avoid walking around on eggshells. And that was when he knew he’d have to end things. He’d never been the one to break up with someone, but the result would be the same.

It just hurt so much more this time, because this was so close to what he could now admit he wanted.

On top of that, he was worried about losing Zhong and Ash if they broke up. How shitty was that? At least Ash should have been his friend first, but since they were spending so much time with Zhong, he could lose both of them.

So he’d put it off and then put it off again. Dustin was as attentive as ever, and clearly knew something was wrong. Landon just couldn’t quite bring himself to tell him.

Instead, he threw himself into his work. He started volunteering a little bit more. When Dustin was around, he laughed and flirted and tried to relax. He tried to just want what he had a little bit more.

There were still elements of Dustin taking care of him, just in a different way than he’d expected.

But it left him feeling out of control, and not in a good way.

It didn’t help that he hadn’t heard anything from the school district, either. The last day of school was just around the corner, and he still had no idea where or if he’d be teaching next year. He really had nothing left to cling to.

His last hope was the appointment with the superintendent next week. Apparently the director of special education services and the director of middle and high school curriculum were supposed to be there as well. He felt a little nervous, but he didn’t want to let his kids down.

At least it was something that he could do.

Chapter 19

Dustin

Dustin buzzed Landon’s apartment, wondering when everything had gone wrong. He’d been trying so hard to avoid smothering him, but it felt like Landon was slipping through his fingers.