Page 88 of Love Lessons: Expanded Edition

I’m more sorry than I can ever say. It wasn’t my business who you were flirting with. And I shouldn’t have asked for more than what you were willing to give. I should never, never have shoved you. No matter what else happens, I just want to tell you how sorry I am.

It’s OK. Landon said it, but he still looked uncertain. Like he was trying to figure out what to say but didn’t know how.

It’s really not OK. It’s unforgivable.

No, it’s… you didn’t really shove me and I was standing in the way of your car. Like, my sister shoves me harder when we’re teasing each other. A faint smile ghosted at his lips, probably because of his sister. And I… I can see why you were angry now. I didn’t… I think I needed some time to figure things out and I responded by trying to act like nothing had changed. That wasn’t fair to you either.

Dustin wasn’t going to let him take the blame. You were pretty clear that you wanted casual and no commitments. I just didn’t listen.

Landon hugged himself in the chair and rocked back and forth, like he needed comfort. I talked to Ash today. They helped me figure some things out. And I think I want to try a relationship with you. I’m just… I haven’t tried to be in a relationship since grad school. They were always such a disaster. He gave Dustin a look of wary hope.

Dustin muscles literally ached from the tension as he made himself stay on the couch instead of going to Landon. He felt exultant and every ounce of that controlling obsession was hitting him full force. But Landon was nervous and the best thing he could give him was steady confidence and moving things at his pace.

I’m honored that you would want to try with me. I’ll take things slowly, I promise. We’ll go at your pace. You just let me know what you need.

I may not always know what I need. There was a little bit of Landon’s flirtiness back.

I won’t stop you from flirting with other people, either. It’s part of who you are, and I was wrong to be jealous. His beguiling bird should never be caged.

Landon looked abashed. I don’t need to flirt. It’s not the right thing to do.

Dustin wasn’t sure if that was true. He wanted to grab that promise eagerly, but he reminded himself that this was about Landon. What he needed. If Landon wanted to flirt with other people he wouldn’t say a word as long as Landon still left with him at the end of each gathering. But he wasn’t going to keep arguing the point now.

I’m less worried about you flirting than about what else was going on this morning. I need you to talk to me.

Landon’s face crumbled. It was subdrop. I was feeling crappy, but I can usually manage it, only I got overwhelmed. Then I fucked it all up.

Shit. Dustin felt horrible. Landon must have been going through something awful today, and he’d yelled at him and pushed him away. He’d let his own jealousy and confusion get in the way of taking care of Landon and a situation that was his fault in the first place.

You didn’t fuck it up. I did. I should have been more understanding. And given you more time and space when you needed them.

Maybe we both messed up a little? Landon offered.

Landon was still too far away from him in that chair. What do you want to do now, then? What would that look like?

I… can we just start over? Like from the beginning? Without any lessons?

Dustin let himself really start to feel that hope again. Yes. No more lessons. Landon’s eyes grew a little hazy, and Dustin found himself smitten all over again. He was probably miles further along on this path to commitment than Landon was, but if there was even a chance of Landon catching up he’d take things as slowly as necessary.

So are we… dating?

Joy suffused him, like his whole body was bathed in warmth. I would love that.

Landon finally gave him one of his real smiles, honest and more seductive than anything he could have manufactured.

He really couldn’t take the distance any longer. Come here, boyfriend.

Landon flew across the room and into his lap. And then they were lost in kisses. Soft and delicate, hungry and needy. He wanted to kiss every inch of his boyfriend.

Finally Dustin pulled back a bit, just enough to sign. Can you tell me what happened today? He didn’t want it to ever, ever happen again.

So, I told you I had subdrop. It’s a thing that happens sometimes. And… it’s usually fine. It just makes me feel depressed for about a day. Everything makes me kind of weepy and moody. I usually just hole up in my room or take a walk. Like, it’s not the end of the world.

It sounded like it was, though. It sounded horrific, no matter how much Landon downplayed it. And it had been Dustin’s fault.

He vowed he would do anything he could to avoid it in the future.

Why didn’t you tell me? Dustin finally asked.