Page 44 of Falling

The silence was different this time. Not skeptical or shocked, but understanding. Joel was giving me time to breathe.

Dan was so lucky to have him. Anyone would have been.

He wasn’t right for me, and I knew that, but I would’ve been lucky to have him, too. I was lucky to have him. To call him a friend.

I couldn’t believe I’d gone this long without him.

“There’s this guy,” I said. “Here, in umm. Otter Bay. He’s so sweet, and he’s funny, and he’s kind to me, and I think he actually likes that I’m weird, and he took me fishing and I caught a trout with my bare hands and he trusted me to light a boiler.”

“Wow,” Joel said. Someone else might have said it sarcastically, but he was being sincere. He knew how much of a departure from my normal life all of that was.

“The other night we were watching a movie together and he made me dinner and I was so comfortable and happy and I dunno. Can you tell when someone wants to kiss you? I felt like he wanted to kiss me.”

“I can tell,” Joel said. “I’m not sure if you can. How did you feel about feeling like that?”

“I wanted him to,” I confessed, heart racing. The mattress bounced as I flopped down on it. I let myself close my eyes in the hopes that my head would stop spinning. “I wanted… him.”

“I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you’ve figured out you like guys,” Joel said.

He knew?

“You knew?” I asked, sitting up again in surprise. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Well, it’s not the kind of thing you can just tell people,” Joel defended. “And you had that whole arranged marriage deal for as long as I’ve known you.”

“It wasn’t…”

Well, it hadn’t technically been an arranged marriage, or anything, but I could see what he meant. I’d always known I was marrying Robin one day. Everyone had always just assumed I would. We’d gone to senior prom together. It was a wonder Dad hadn’t told me to propose then.

I’d never even thought to ask if that was what I wanted. If any of it was.

“And for a while there you were my best friend’s hot older brother and I thought it was just wishful thinking,” Joel went on.

“Wait, I was?”

“Was what?”

“Evie’s hot older brother?” I asked.

“You fishing for compliments, now?” Joel teased. “You do always melt when a big guy calls you pretty, so I’ll indulge you just this once: you were absolutely Evie’s hot older brother who I had the most ridiculous crush on.”

I laughed, but Joel was right. I did melt a little.

Now that he’d mentioned it, I could see the pattern. I’d just assumed a compliment was a compliment and it didn’t matter who it came from.

This was why Evie told people I was engaged as soon as humanly possible, I was slowly realizing. Because otherwise…

Otherwise I would’ve unintentionally led them on because I couldn’t tell when someone was flirting with me.

Wow. It’d taken me a long time to figure all this out.

“And then you got to know me and it went away?”

Joel chuckled. “No. No, you’re adorable, and I love you with all my heart. It just turned into exactly the relationship we’re supposed to have. We were made to be friends. Family, even. I always think of you as family.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I umm. I think of you as family, too. Do you think, uh. In the spirit of that. You could forgive me?”

“Nothing to forgive,” Joel said easily, his voice so earnest I could picture him holding his hands out, palms up to show me that he meant it. “I’m just glad to hear from you again. No! Wait! Shit. I should have held the forgiveness you don’t need and also totally have anyway for ransom so you’d tell me about this guy.”