Page 76 of I’m Already Gone

“Oh. My. God,” Sam practically shrieks, dropping her chip back into the bowl. “That’s amazing!”

“Didn’t your mother teach you not to speak with your mouth full?” Ebony drawls from the plush patio chair beside me.

Her dry comment makes me snort with laughter.

“So, can I ask you something?” Sam asks, completely unfazed by Ebony’s jab, her gaze locking onto mine.

I nod, taking a sip of my tea.

“Do you forgive him?”

I pause. “I don’t know,” I finally admit, the words coming out small and uncertain.

“He made a mistake, Lily, and I think he’s atoned for it, don’t you?” Sam presses.

I shrug. How do you answer that when your heart is still a tangled mess of past wounds?

“I don’t think it’s about forgiveness anymore,” Ebony interjects.

I turn to face her.

“You’re afraid he’ll abandon you again, aren’t you?” she asks, voice softer, but still hitting the mark.

My breath catches in my throat. “I don’t want to go through that again, let alone put the kids through it. I won’t be able to survive it a second time.”

“That’s understandable, Lily,” Ebony says. “But it’s been four years. Did you know that he’s never had a girlfriend since your divorce?”

I stare at her, my jaw dropping slightly. The world seems to tilt on its axis for a moment. “What?”

“And why are we just finding out about that now?” Sam asks incredulously.

Ebony lets out a soft chuckle. “You never asked.”

I continue to stare at Ebony, my mind reeling. “Are you serious?”

Ebony side-eyes me, a mischievous glint in her eyes. She dips a chip into some salsa, pops it into her mouth with an exaggerated crunch, and raises an eyebrow. “Do bears shit in the woods?”

“Can’t you ever just answer the question?” Sam mutters under her breath, though a small curve plays at the corner of her lips.

My mind is like a hamster frantically scurrying on its wheel, whirling through thoughts with relentless energy but going nowhere fast. I thought for sure Ethan would’ve had dates, or at least a few serious girlfriends. Ethan was always a looker in high school, and girls in college fawned over him like he was a celebrity. The thought that he hasn’t been with another woman since me sends a strange, unexpected warmth through my chest, and I smile involuntarily.

Ebony catches my expression, a knowing smirk playing on her lips. I shake my head at her, trying to dismiss the sudden rush of feeling.

“Don’t you think it’s time to stop punishing him?” she asks. “Four years, Lily. That’s a long time for a man to redeem himself. Don’t you think?”

Maybe I did forgive him. But forgiveness doesn’t mean I can open my heart to him again. It doesn’t erase the fear. It doesn’t make me brave enough to risk everything for a second chance.

Or can I?

Hours later, I pull up to my house and turn the ignition off. I lean back, my hands falling from the steering wheel to my lap, and close my eyes.

Just breathe, Lily, I keep telling myself.

Ethan sent me a text stating not to worry about the kids as he was taking care of dinner. Every time I see Ethan on the couch, in the kitchen, helping Ollie with his shoes, a dull ache settles in my chest. It makes me sad to know we lost so much time, so many years, to get to this point.

Will this feeling of loss ever go away? It feels so unfair to think this way, especially knowing he’s doing the best he can as a father, and as a… I don’t even know what Ethan is to me anymore. My childhood friend?

With a long, resigned sigh, I open my eyes and push open the car door. Stepping out, I grab my purse and sling it over my shoulder. Each step toward the front door feels heavy.