Page 49 of Absolution

“I can’t promise you more, not right now.”

Creed’s expression softens, though his brows are pulled tight. “I used to think I was the most guarded person on earth, until you. I get it, I do. It’s not just about you, there’s Emmie to consider, but you have to admit there’s something here.”

“He left us. Alone, without anyone or anything.” I fight to breathe. My lashes battle the gathering tears, as my body wrestles with the memories of my past. The pain is almost unbearable, as if my flesh is being ripped from my bones. These cuts are the deepest, and are still unhealed.

“I need to know you understand this enigma we’re in, to know our souls are matched, and the pain we feel is real.” His face is marred with agony, revealing to me the torment he’s lived in for so long.

“You do know me, or my heart, at least. While you struggle with the decision to regain your memories, I’m bound by mine. They seize me, refusing to allow me to live… to love freely.”

Memories of the man I lost plagues my every thought before coming to me in my dreams, taking the peace I seek day and night. All to wrap me in their arms, holding me hostage. Reminding me that I am alone and adrift, leaving me empty handed of the one thing I want to give Emmie. His love.” My chest constricts, helping to close my throat and strangle my sobs.

For that, I’m grateful. This pain, as clear as it is on my face, is not for the faint of heart. It’s personal and pure. Not easily attainable, or hard to keep. Nor is it to be shared with someone that can’t recognize it.

His finger catches a tear as it runs down my jaw. Though hesitant, his hand caresses me, while his thumb soothes my redden cheeks. When my eyes flicker to his, he smiles, and I’m lost to him.

“You need to know; I’ll be your friend for as long as I can be, but I want more. I need it.” His intent is as clear as his words.

My pulse races from the heat of his touch, the mere connection of our skin, disrupting the cadence of my heart. I’m caught in a trance, losing myself deep into this feeling of comfort and safety.

There, in place of solace, I find all the reasons this will never work. His tortured mind is no match for the agony my heart has been left in, we are not meant to be. Our troubled pasts are only supposed to help us both to move on from where we’ve been stuck.

“Creed, I can’t promise you anything more than this, here and now. When he left, he took everything. I was lost for so long, I had nowhere to turn. I don’t think I can live through something like that again.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Pretty sure he didn’t plan on leaving either.” My heart drops to the floor with a thud. “Besides, I have Emmie. I have to give her twice the amount of what most mother’s do.”

“So, give me what you can, because I plan on giving you everything I have until you have your fair share.” He smiles coyishly before nibbling on is lip.

“Creed, you have so much to work through, and I’m not positive this is a promise you’ll be able to keep. At least, not until you can move forward or know if you even want to.”

“I see the same doubt and fear in my parent's faces every time I visit. They have no idea if I’m coming or going, if I’m here to stay or if one wrong move or mention of my past, I’ll leave and never come back.” Creed’s words are full of pain, mirroring his face.

“And those are the things I’m trying to protect us from, can you understand that?” I pick at imaginary lint on my shorts. “What happens if you suddenly remember who you are, and we don’t fit into that narrative?”

“The last few years have weighed on me like concrete sitting on my chest. One day, I work so hard on figuring out who I am and then like waves crashing into the shores, I’m in the clutches of the fear of remembering who I am and how that fateful day unfolded.” His shoulders curl, folding in on him as he closes off to everything.

“I keep a puzzle on my table, putting it together slowly until the final piece is left. It’s then, I walk away from it. I’ve never finished one in two years. The thought of facing what happened and if I had a hand in the lives lost wreaks havoc on me.

“Then I turn to be faced with if I never regain who I was, will my family accept the person I am now? Or will they grow bitter because they never get to have their son again, the one they remember? I’ve run for longer than I ever should’ve, but I don’t know what else to do.” He trembles, evident with the quiver in his voice. His focus is distant, far removed from this room or moment.

An ache builds in my chest to hold him, to protect him from himself. The pain he holds deep stirs my fears, warning me of things to come or what may never.

“If there’s one thing I do know, going back never works. Move forward, whether you remember who you are or simply want to build a new life. It doesn’t matter which of you shows up, just that you do. No one should ask for more.”

Creed’s eyes flutter to mine, gazing into them so deeply, he unveils my soul. “Then, move forward with me. The man I am now, and the one I have yet to be because you and Emmie are all I’m asking for right now.”

Chapter Sixteen

Creed

I could stay in this moment forever. Here, with her holding onto me. I’m not sure why I feel like I’m safe with her, but she brings me a peace that I have never known.

“I’m here, but as I said, it’s all I have to offer right now.” Her brow furrows.

My heart races with hope, and even though my gut twists and turns, warning me to wait, I push for more. “And where will that lead us?”

“I don’t know, Creed.” She shrugs slightly, turning her face away from me. “Everything in me is screaming we’re never going to work, but like you, I can’t walk away.”