Page 730 of Lessons in Cruelty

They’re arguing about me like I’m a broken toy.

My stomach heaves.

Haven turns toward me. “Kai? You’ve gone white.”

I shove past both of them, my shoulder clipping Rooke’s as I lunge for the door.

“Kai, wait!”

I make it three steps past the mausoleum door before my knees give in.

I barely get my hands up in time to catch myself before I’m heaving into the grass, my whole body convulsing as I empty my guts onto the frozen ground.

I kissed him.

Another heave.

I wanted him.

My fingers dig into the dirt, the cold earth biting into my knuckles as my stomach tries to turn itself inside out.

I’m not⁠—

But I am.

I fucking am.

The evidence is right there, carved into my mind. The way his mouth felt. The desperate, hungry, wanting sounds that came out of my throat when he touched me.

I wanted it.

I wanted him.

And when he pushed me away—when he looked at me with disgust and called me pathetic—I broke.

I cried in front of Bastian Rooke.

Another heave racks through me, but there’s nothing left to bring up. Nothing left to wash away the shame of a truth I can’t outrun anymore.

Grit crunches under someone’s shoes as they come up behind me.

I stay on my knees.

How can I face whoever’s standing there—Haven with her pity, Rooke with his smug satisfaction—when I can’t even face myself?

Chapter 25

Bastian

Haven rounds on me the moment Kai is out of sight.

“What is wrong with you?”

My face throbs where she clawed me earlier. My nose may be broken. And somewhere beneath the physical discomfort, an ephemeral ache that feels suspiciously like guilt is burrowing its way deep inside me.

“Christ, girl, you’re the one who⁠—“

Haven’s palm connects with my shredded cheek. Blinding, exquisite pain causes me to stumble back a step, my hand flying to my face as fresh blood wells from the scratches.