Page 99 of The Snowflake Effect

“Hilarious.” I drape my purse over the back of my chair. The furniture wobbles as I shift my weight.

Lily pushes a glass of white wine toward me. Smart woman.

I take a generous swallow and relax. “Thanks. You okay?”

“Yes and no.” The way she picks at her blue nails, I’d say the scale tips toward no.

Raven stays mum, so I nudge Lily’s foot with mine. “Lay it on us.”

Flecks of blue polish dot the table beneath her hands, accumulating by the second. Finally, she says, “I’m thinking of breaking up with Kevin.”

“Did something happen?” I ask.

Lily shakes her head emphatically. “No. Nothing specific. It’s been rough for months. Years, if I’m honest. It’s just so hard to let go. There’s so much history. And I love him, I really do, but I’m not in love with him. I can’t keep hoping it’ll go back to how it was. It’s hurting both of us.”

Raven sips her beer, licks her lips, then leans on her elbows. “You know I’m all for you moving on. I haven’t exactly been quiet about it, but you need to be sure. You guys have been together forever. There’s fallout with that.”

“Eleven years,” Lily whispers.

My jaw drops. “Jesus. I know you guys got together young. I just never calculated the time. That’s longer than most people stay married.” Lily’s attention stays fixed on her nails, so I place my hand over hers. “You can’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t there. It might hurt at first, but you’ll both be happier in the long run.”

I pull my hand back, taking a cardboard coaster with me. I rip notches into its edges, anything to keep my hands busy. Happier in the long run.

Does Kolton want me to reach out to him? Is that why he sent me that video? Why the heck wasn’t there a note?

“I agree with Shay,” Raven says to Lily. “You’re not doing Kevin any favors by dragging things out. He looked like hell the last time I saw him.”

Lily sighs. “I know. You’re both right. I just keep thinking about our families, too. How close he is with my folks, how much I love spending time with his parents. His father wants me to design the shirts for his bowling team. How cute is that?”

Still picking at the coaster, I cross my legs. My chair tips back and forth. “Who knows, maybe you two can stay friends.”

Raven snorts. “Like that ever works. But I need to ask, does any part of this have to do with Sawyer?”

A red stain transforms Lily’s pale skin, a glow seeping from within. She scrapes her teeth over her bottom lip. “I am curious about Sawyer. More than curious, to be honest. We’ve spent a lot of time together the past eight months. I mean, he’s gorgeous, and we get along great.”

She does some yoga breathing—deep breath in, a slow, hissing sound out.

“But this isn’t about him,” she goes on. “I booked a trip to Belize for Kevin and me a while back, an anniversary gift. It’s not until late December, but the more I think about it, the more I panic. I’m not sure I can go with him and pretend things are okay. Because they’re not.” Her pale eyes widen, her head slowly shaking. “I can’t go with him,” she says again, mouthing the statement a third time. “Right?” She looks to us for answers, but I can tell she’s figuring things out for herself. “I can’t keep living a lie because of our history.”

There’s fire in her expression now, as fierce as the day she challenged our art teacher, claiming Raven’s cubist sculpture deserved a passing grade. The thing made Jackson’s work look professional.

Lily’s hand flies to her mouth. “Oh my God, I’m going to do it. I’m going to break up with Kevin.” She actually looks excited.

Knowing Lily, the other shoe will likely fall, her moment of clarity sure to falter when faced with the task. But it’s our job to be the wind in her sail.

I smile and raise my glass. “To Lily. You got this, girl.”

Raven lifts her beer in the air. “To being brave. We’re here for you.”

Lily clinks our glasses and says something that doesn’t register, because all I can think is: brave. During my argument with Kolton, he accused me of not being brave. Of not trusting myself to function in a healthy relationship. Is that what I did, in the end? He definitely pulled the plug on us, but could I have taken more of a risk? Tried harder to find a good job in Vancouver? Was I worried I loved Kolton so much I’d change too many aspects of my life to fit in with his?

Someone brave would have reveled in those risks. Someone brave would deserve the nickname Connor.

“Kolton sent me a video,” I confess to the girls.

Raven raises one dark eyebrow. “Kinky. Is there some girl-on-girl action?”

My chair tips as I fling my shredded coaster at her face. “Not that kind of video. The Terminator.” When both girls frown, I add, “It has to do with a name he used to call me. It’s just, I don’t know why he sent it. And I’ve been thinking about our breakup.” Tick tock goes my chair. “There’s no question that he panicked about the prospect of getting hurt after everything with Marina, but I think maybe I messed up, too? I didn’t even look at the other design firms he researched. I think I was too scared I’d get snowballed into his life. I thought I was over everything with Richard, but I think I maybe let that same stuff drive my decision with Kolton.”