Page 102 of The Blessing

“No,” she gasps before taking a long, deep breath, “I couldn’t protect you, Trevor. I tried so hard, but I failed you.”

“Mom, you did everything you could.” It feels good calling her that for the first time and truly meaning it.

“One night I’d fallen asleep early and I didn’t hear him come home. Your cries woke me up and I rushed into your room, terrified over what I might find. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I hadn’t woken up.” Another tear escapes her eye and slips down her cheek. I reach out to brush it away. “I was too late. He’d already hurt you. I picked you up and cradled you in my arms. I needed to make sure you were still breathing. When I felt your little breath against my cheek, I knew I still had a chance to make things right.” She reaches up and puts her hand on my cheek, cradling my face as she continues, “I can still feel your little, warm breath now. It’s one of the memories which has stuck with me after all of these years.”

She smiles at me and I bend down to kiss her cheek. I don't think anymore—I can only feel as I absorb this information. I want to protect her now, and I fucking hope it makes a difference. We need each other; we're both broken in our own ways and we've finally found each other. When my numbness finally subsides, I feel so fucking angry at this man who no longer fucking exists. He's dead and I hope his death was a fucking painful one. I hope he got what he fucking deserved. How could my mom have put up with him for so many fucking years? I might have been a child, but I would’ve fucking protected her from anything. I wish he were alive so I could kill him all over again.

“I beat him until he was unconscious. I never knew how to fight, but when you threaten a woman’s child… it just comes naturally, I suppose. I immediately called Arthur and then I called the police. He was livid when he arrived. I convinced him to take you with him. I knew I couldn’t protect you anymore. He left with you, but before he did, he begged me to go with him. I was so messed up, Trevor. I barely knew myself and I couldn’t understand how deep Vince’s hooks were in me.” She gasps and puts her head in her hands. “I didn’t even press charges,” she admits with a quiet sob.

I feel my own tears begin to fall as I watch her. This man ruined her. I honestly can't believe that after all these years, she's even here to tell this story. She's survived so much and still appears to be so loving and so fucking kind. I'm proud of her. She made mistakes, but she overcame them… just like I have. There's a bond which has developed between us now, and I honestly can't fucking believe it. I thought I’d hate her; I thought I wouldn't be able to forgive her, but I do.

“I understand, Felicity.” I stop to wipe away a tear. “I understand, Mom. You did all that you could.”

She stiffens beside me, then sits up to look into my eyes. I know hearing me call her “mom” must be a shock, and to be honest, I’m shocked I’m saying it this soon. However, she is my mom. We’re both flawed and yet, strong enough to become better.

“I always wanted to reach out to you, Trevor. Every birthday I’d send you a card, but I knew you’d never see them. When your dad took you in, Evelyn made him promise to cut all ties with me. I wanted you to have a safe home to grow up in. I was just happy that he convinced his wife to let you stay at all. I agreed to her terms, and your dad promised to always take care of you. Losing you was devastating, but I knew that it was what was best for you. I did visit you once before I left. You were completely healed and playing with your new brother Dean. He was holding you and telling you a story. It was so nice to hear you laugh again. I was able to leave knowing that you would have a better future with them compared to anything I could’ve given you.”

My heart fucking breaks for her. I couldn’t imagine leaving Grey. God, just thinking about losing him gives me such anxiety and heartache. He’s so fucking precious to me. He’s literally the center of my universe. However, if I knew it was best for him, I’d let him go. I’d want him to have the best life possible; even if that meant a life without me in it. If I ever thought for a second that I truly could not care for him, I would give him away to someone who could. Every decision I make, I try to make with him in mind. My mom did that for me. She sacrificed her happiness with me to give me a better life. She gave me a chance at a normal, happy life with my dad.

“I love you, Mom,” I say because it feels natural to do so. “I don’t know you very well, and we have a lot of catching up to do—but I do love you.”

Her eyes fill with tears again, but this time, they’re tears of joy.

“I’ve loved you every single day of your life, Trevor. Even when I wasn’t there to tell you. I’ll love you no matter what you do or what path you choose in life.”

After a long moment of comfortable silence, just enjoying the feeling of relief which has settled over the room, I finally ask the question that’s been weighing on my mind since our discussion began. “Why’d you stay with him, Mom? Why didn’t you leave?”

She’s silent for a few heartbeats before she finally answers. “I left him a few times, but he always found a way to come back into my life. Even when I left, we were still legally married, and every time I asked for a divorce he’d threaten to hurt me—or to hurt himself. When he finally died, I was so relieved. As horrible as it sounds, I couldn’t help but feel that way. I didn’t have to fear him anymore. I returned to Colorado in hopes of finding you.”

She came to me as soon as she could.

“How did he die?” The morbid side of me wants to know.

“He died in a car accident,” she answers quietly. “He rear-ended a tractor trailer and was decapitated.”

I want to say what most people would say in this situation, "God, that's so horrible!"Instead, I remain silent. I don't feel horror at all. If I feel anything, it's satisfaction knowing that he's gone.

“I’m glad he’s gone, too,” Mom says, as if hearing my thoughts. “Although, I wish he hadn’t met such a gruesome fate. It was a horrific way to go.”

The way she says this so nonchalantly, makes me think she’s lying. I’m sure that, deep down, she’s not troubled by her husband’s death one bit. We sit in silence for a while. My arm wrapped comfortably around her narrow shoulders. It feels natural—like we’re making up for lost time.

“Where do we go from here?” I finally ask.

“I guess we continue moving forward. At least, I hope we can do that. I know there’s so much to forgive, but I want more than anything to have a relationship with you, Trevor.”

I want that, too. Although, I’ll never fucking admit it out loud. I’ve always wanted a mom who loved me. I’ve always wanted that sort of relationship. It was hard growing up watching my brother receive all of this love from Evelyn, while I was a fucking outcast. It makes perfect sense now, but it’s hard to erase the years of hurt I had to endure. I guess I can relate to my mom’s abuse in some way. While Evelyn never raised a hand to me, she had fucked with my head and neglected me. I kept brushing her behavior under the rug; excusing it by thinking I was just an unlovable and defective child. I can understand why my mom was able to do the same sort of thing with her husband. When you’re feeling worthless, actions like those make sense.

“I’d like to have you in my life. I’m sure Grey would love that, too.”

She smiles at the mention of Greyson and muses, “Your dad was right about you, Trevor.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re pretty incredible. He always used to tell me that. Every time he would send me your school picture—behind his wife’s back, of course—he would write something like, ‘Our son is pretty incredible, Felicity.’ And you are. Just like he said.”

My brows knit together in confusion. I can’t believe my dad actually wrote that about me. I was such a little shit growing up. Nevertheless, his remark makes me grin. Thanks, Dad.