Page 124 of The Blessing

I enjoy the feel of her warm body against mine, as it calms me down. I feel every one of my muscles relax as I feel her heartbeat vibrate against my back. She’s so fucking soothing. Now, I regret staying out so long. “Sorry, baby. I just had to have some time to think.”

“Is everything all right?”

I gently grab her arm and bring her around so I can look into her eyes. “Everything’s okay now.” I give her a long, passionate kiss and everything else evades me. I don’t know how she has the ability to make me feel so wonderful, but I’m grateful for it.

“Are you excited for tomorrow?” she questions as she shyly looks around the room.

I realize I haven’t told her how fucking incredible everything looks. I’m so fucking proud of her. “I’m excited, babe. This place looks incredible. I can’t believe you did all of this.”

She blushes and smiles at me. “Well, I called Eden for some help with the balloons… but I did everything else myself. I had Harper play with Greyson in his room, so he hasn’t seen any of it yet.”

“He’s going to love it,” I assure her. Fuck, Grey’s going to be over the moon thrilled. I can’t even begin to imagine.

“I’m so excited to celebrate with him. I can’t believe he’s turning one tomorrow!”

My little boy is going to be one! I can’t believe I’ve had him for eight months and he’s still healthy and happy. I can’t believe we’ve come this far together. I can’t believe I’ve been successful at this “parenting thing.” I hope tomorrow is filled with so much love and happiness. He’s lost so much in his short life already. I made a promise to myself I would do my best to make him happy and give him as much love as humanly possible. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Grey is up before dawn, as if he could sense the excitement this day promised. My heart felt as if it were going to burst as I picked him up this morning; I was holding my one-year-old son for the first time. He feels the same, smells the same, and sounds the same. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I thought there would be something different about my little guy. He’s the same baby I’ve grown to love. Maybe I was just worried. Fearing he’d be so much older overnight. I don’t know where this fear came from… Maybe I’m just afraid of missing a crucial moment in his life. After losing Dean, I can admit that I’ve been a bit obsessive when it comes to Grey. I’m just so fucking paranoid, and I don’t even realize it until moments like these.

“Dada!” Grey squeals as I take him to the bathroom to get ready.

He’s so fucking giddy today. He’s like an Energizer bunny as he kicks his feet and waves his hands around while I’m getting his bath ready. I take a moment while I’m holding him to stop and etch everything to my memory. He’s one now, and soon he’ll be two, three, four… All too soon he’ll be going to pre-school, elementary school, middle school, high school, and hopefully college. Shit flies by so fast, and if I don’t allow myself a moment to appreciate the present, it’ll pass me by before I can grab a hold of it.

“Happy birthday, buddy,” I say before pressing a kiss to his forehead.

He laughs loudly and grabs my finger, bringing it to his mouth to gnaw on it. I love seeing him like this: so happy and carefree. He’s too little to understand how hard his life has been. The happiness on his face is so… pure—so beautifully pure and completely unaffected by the world around him. I’ve never seen him truly upset. I hope I never have to—as unrealistic as that hope may be.

“Dada,” he says again with a giggle.

“You’re one year old today! How does it feel, buddy?” I ask, bouncing him on my knee while I fill up the tub with water.

His eyes widen with excitement as he listens to the inflection of my voice. He has no idea what I’m talking about, but he knows I sound excited. Therefore, his eyes brighten, his mouth drops open as if he were surprised, and his cheeks flush. I’ve got to laugh at his expression because it’s the fucking cutest thing I’ve ever seen. When I laugh, he does as well, giggling loudly as I get him undressed and ready to bathe.

“Do you feel older, Grey?” I ask again as I reach down to tickle his stomach.

He squeals and wiggles away from me, causing me to tighten my hold on him so he doesn’t slip off my lap and onto the floor. He nods and claps his hands. I suppose I can take that as a “yes.” That thought makes my heart sink for a moment. Part of me doesn’t want him to grow up. However, another part is excited for the day when he’s older and we can do shit together.

“We’ve got to get you all washed up, buddy. Today’s your special day!”

Grey giggles as I lower him into the tub. He immediately reaches for one of his rubber duckies floating in the water, splashing it against the mountains of bubbles. Since he’s acting so crazy today—probably sensing my excitement—it’s really a struggle to get him clean. I bathe him to the best of my ability before allowing him time to play in the water on his own. He looks so fucking adorable, and before I know it, I’m grabbing my phone to snap a picture of him. I want to remember this day. He’s not going to be this small forever.

I take a few pictures of him as he plays with his rubber duckie and splashes around. “Grey, look at Daddy, buddy! I want to take your picture!”

Grey turns his head and gives me a bright, fun-loving smile. It makes my heart swell until it feels as if it’s about to burst. Tears prick my eyes as I look at my happy, little boy. Fuck, he looks so much like his dad when he smiles. I have to look away before I burst into fucking tears. God, I’ve been so fucking sappy lately. It’s embarrassing. I’m sure he’ll only look more and more like Dean as he grows older. He has my brother’s eyes as well as his smile. Dean’s smile was so optimistic and easy-going. You could tell he was truly happy with everything in his life. Even when he wasn’t happy, he’d smile through whatever shit life threw at him. Even though it’s too early to tell, Grey seems like he’ll be the same way.

As fucking hard as it is to remember my brother at times, I’m happy that Grey looks just like him. He’s like a little piece of Dean I’ll always have with me. Today’s exciting, but it’s fucking hard, as well. This is Grey’s first birthday and Dean and Cat won’t be here to see it. I force myself to push those thoughts aside because I need to get through today. I’ve got to focus on the positive—and the positive is that I have a happy, healthy baby who’s experiencing his very first birthday. This is a day for celebrating, not sadness. He must sense the shift in mood because he abandons his toys and reaches out to me, wanting to be held. I pick him up, wrapping a towel around him before holding him close to my chest. It’s so nice to feel his soft breath against my skin because I know he’s safe. I close my eyes for a moment and allow Grey to shift my mood. Today is about him.

“Let’s get you dressed, buddy.”

A short while later, I have him dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans and a T-shirt Ronnie purchased for him a few days ago, which reads: “I Make 1 Look Good.” I laughed when she showed it to me. I have no idea where she finds this sort of shit, but it’s really fucking cute.

I jump in the shower to wash up in record time, styling my hair and brushing my teeth while I’m at it. I get dressed in a pair of jeans and a nice button up shirt while Grey plays on the floor of my bedroom. I don’t want him to see the decorations just yet, not with Ronnie still fast asleep. She was up late decorating, and when she came to bed we fucked until she nodded off in my arms, so, I thought I’d let her rest this morning. I want her to see the look on Grey’s face when he sees his party decorations for the very first time. I know I’m going to be taking all the pictures I can. It’s already past ten. I know Ronnie will want to get up and ready soon. Our guests should be arriving around one o’clock and there’s still so much stuff to do.

“Babe, it’s after ten o’clock,” I softly say as I nudge my girl awake.

She moans in her sleep and shoos me away before my words finally register and she shoots out of bed. “Fuck, Trevor! Why didn’t you wake me up sooner!?’

I have to chuckle because she rarely curses. When she gives me an annoyed look I cover my mouth with my hand to hide my smile. I have to take a moment before answering. “I thought you’d want to sleep in a bit. We have a busy day ahead of us, so I thought you’d appreciate your rest.”