Page 134 of The Blessing

I shrug. How the fuck does he expect me to feel? Fucking peachy? My entire life has been fucking dragged through the mud in a few short hours. I thought I wanted to know the truth. I thought any truth would be better than fucking ignorance, but I was fucking wrong. I wish I were still painfully ignorant about this whole thing. How fucking blissful would that be, to be able to walk blindly through life never aware of a truth which could destroy me.

“I wish I didn’t know,” I answer honestly, then jump up from my seat and begin to pace around the room, clenching my fucked-up hand to my chest. “I don’t know how he could’ve lied to me. I don’t know how he could’ve looked me in the eye, knowing he killed my brother and his wife. How could he not fucking say shit to me? How the hell could he look at Grey? Knowing he killed both of his parents…” I stop pacing and sit back down, running my good hand through my hair before smacking myself in the face.

“Stop that!” Dr. Russell immediately commands. “So, your friend betrayed your trust. What do you plan to do about it?”

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” The venom in my tone is muffled by the sob which escapes my throat. “Fuck, it should’ve been me.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I feel like I’m running up this hill and with every step I get weaker, wondering when I’m going to reach the top. After a while, I’m afraid the top of the hill will never come and I’ll be running forever. You can’t imagine what it feels like to never know if you’ll reach the end. Sometimes, I want to turn back because part of me knows I’ll never overcome all of my problems. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I’ll always be fighting a losing fucking battle.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Lousy. It makes me feel fucking lousy. It’s like my past has fucking branded me. It’ll always be there, lurking over me, waiting for me to screw up again. Like I screwed up today… You don’t understand. Dean gave everyone in his life everything he had to offer, and now he’s dead in the ground while I’ve been allowed to go on living. I’ve always been the accident waiting to happen. No one has ever really been proud of me.”

“You can’t believe that.”

“No, I shouldn’t believe that… but I do. I’ll always believe it because it’s the truth. I’m a poor fucking replacement for Grey’s father. It should’ve been me in that fucking car! I should’ve been the one who died!”

“So, you’re feeling guilty? What could you have done, Trevor? How could you possibly have saved your brother?”

“I don’t know!” I shout. It feels good to yell. “I don’t know! I just wish I could take his fucking place!”

“Surviving is hard.”

Death is easy—living is what’s tough.

“So, I’m a coward? I’m a coward for wishing I were dead instead of him?”

“Do you feel like a coward, Trevor?”

“I don’t know how I feel,” I respond, feeling defeated. “I don’t understand how I feel about anything. All I feel is fucking rage.”

Hot tears pour down my face and I gasp for air. I want to punch something. I want to hurt myself more. I need to feel physical pain. Fuck, I just want to feel something other than this torment.

“Are you angry because your brother died, or are you angry at yourself for being here without him?”

I pause for a moment, gaining control of myself before I answer him. “I’m angry at myself.”

Before I know it, I’m sobbing and falling back into my seat. The image my mind has created of Dean gasping for air is all I can see. Suddenly, I hate everything. I hate Travis for murdering two members of my family; I hate Dean for not being strong enough to survive the crash; I hate myself for still being here. Dr. Russell reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. The comforting gesture only makes me fall to pieces further. When I finally do regain my self-control, I’m too fucking exhausted to speak. He gives me all the time I need. I sit in silence, watching car lights shine through the blinds and dance around the room. Finally, I relax enough to continue speaking.

“He said that he looked into Dean’s car and could see he was dying. He said Dean was gasping for air. He looked at Cat in the passenger seat and saw she wasn’t moving. He didn’t call anyone for help. He didn’t try to help either of them. He simply drove away. How can he live with himself?”

“Will you be able to live with this?” Dr. Russell asks me after a moment with his hand still resting on my shoulder.

I contemplate his question, finding it’s a lot harder to answer than I thought. I’m so lost, but at the same time I realize I have so much to live for. I have Ronnie and Grey. Fuck, I have two parents who love me, as well. I can’t just lay down and let this consume me. Not when I’m at the start of a new chapter in my life. I can’t just throw everything away now. Travis has destroyed so much already, and I can’t allow that fucker to destroy my future, too.

“Yes,” I say quietly, wiping the tears off my face with my unbandaged hand.

I’ll be able to fucking live with this, but who knows when I’ll be healed, if ever. This will be a scar I’ll wear for the rest of my life. There’s nothing left for me to do but move forward, but before I can do that, I need some fucking answers. I want to know why Travis acted the way he did. Why he killed two amazing people without a second thought? I won’t be able to move forward unless I can fucking understand. Travis needs to make me understand! Until then, I’ll be fucking lost in limbo.

“I believe you,” Dr. Russell finally says, pulling me from my frantic thoughts.

My eyes shoot up to meet his and I find nothing but sincerity. He does believe that I’ll overcome this, and that alone gives me some peace of mind. I need to find Travis. I need to find some fucking answers. I close my eyes and try to remember what it felt like before I knew all of this. I can’t and it’s fucking terrifying.

“You’ll pull through this, Trevor,” he assures me, although, it feels more like he’s commanding me to do so. “I’m not only your therapist, I’m also your friend. I’ll always be here for you.”

Unconsciously, I throw my good arm around Dr. Russell’s shoulders and allow a few lone tears to fall down my face. An emergency therapy session was just what I fucking needed. As much as I want to return home to Ronnie and Grey—just to remember my two reasons for living—I know there’s someplace else I have to go first. I have to go to Travis’s. I have to talk to him and figure out what the fuck he’s done. Now that the truth has already poisoned my life, I want to know every detail.

I leave my therapist’s office with the promise of meeting as scheduled later in the week. He locks up, then we walk to our vehicles in silence. I thank him and try to pull myself together as I slide into the driver’s seat of my truck. I turn on the ignition and blast the radio, willing the sound of heavy metal to drown my thoughts. Halfway to Travis’s something in my gut beckons me to drive faster. It was as if there was a little voice in my head telling me if I don’t get there soon, I’ll arrive to find an empty apartment. I step on the gas and zoom down the dark and empty street with imagines of Dean’s last moments plaguing my mind.