Page 28 of The Blessing

Chapter 14

wide open

“I wanted to show you something.” Ronnie’s holding a picture frame against her stomach as she slowly approaches me. She insisted I come over with Grey, stating she didn’t want us to be alone tonight. I don’t know what she’s about to say, but she looks so incredibly nervous. Her body gently shakes as she comes over and sits down next to me on the couch, then hands me the photograph. “This is the last picture I ever took of her.” Her voice wavers and she pauses for a moment, collecting herself as she looks at Grey, who’s playing with his stuffed bear on her living room floor.

“Hey, please don’t feel like you’ve got to tell me anything, Ronnie.”

“No, I—I want to.” She stares at me, her eyes filled with unshed tears. “You’ve got to know that you’re not alone with this sort of pain, Trev. I’ve been dealing with it myself for so many years.”

I lean forward and kiss her again, wanting to provide her with the only comfort I know how to give. The kiss is chaste and as soon as I feel her body relax, I pull away. She’s quiet for a moment, as if she were looking for the right words to say. As she seems to contemplate this, I take a moment to look at the photo she handed me. The woman in the picture is beautiful, with short brown hair, hazel eyes, and a smile that’s just like Ronnie’s. This is her mother.

“She’s gorgeous, Ronnie.”

“Thanks,” she smiles, wiping away a tear before it has a chance to trail down her cheek. “This was the last picture she let us take of her. She’s wearing the wig I picked out for her. I chose my hair color so she and I could match,” she tells me with a shaky voice.

I wrap my arm around her shoulder and wish I could absorb some of her pain. I fucking hate seeing her like this.

“She passed away when I was twelve. She’d been suffering for a long time and while my dad was sad—he said it was good because her passing meant she was no longer in pain. However, as a pre-teen I didn’t see it that way. I was angry for such a long time. I was constantly looking for someone to blame. I blamed the doctors, nurses, my family… until I realized there wasn’t a single person left to point the finger at. Things like that just happen. Life doesn’t care if it’s being unfair, Trev.”

“How did you deal with her death? How’d you get better again?”

She gives me a small smile, her eyes filled with empathy. “You never really ‘get better’ again. Not fully. I’ll always bear a scar—the weight of her death. I just learned to carry it. You go on because you have to. My mother wouldn’t have wanted me to wallow in my sorrow or self-pity. She would’ve wanted me to live, to be happy and accomplish all of my dreams. It took me a while to realize that, but once I did, I moved forward with my life and did everything I could to make her proud.” She looks at me for a moment and then looks back toward Grey. “It’s just like what you’re doing, Trevor. Grey’s your brother’s son, isn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“You’re doing the right thing. Your brother, Dean, would be so proud of you.”

I don’t know why, but her words rip me open. My calm demeanor crumbles and I bury my face in my hands, crying like I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. The release feels too good for me to be embarrassed in front of her. While I’ve shed quite a few fucking tears, I’ve never allowed myself to lose control like this. I cry for Dean; I cry for Cat; I cry for my parents; I cry for Grey. With whatever left over energy I have—I cry for myself. I cry because Ronnie is just as broken as I am. I feel her arms wrap around me and she gently brings my head to rest against her chest. She holds me for a moment, but as soon as I hear Grey’s cries, she kisses my head and leaves me to retrieve him. I manage to pull myself together by the time she returns to the couch with him in her arms. I wipe away my tears and turn to find him reaching for me, looking absolutely devastated.

“I’m sure all the emotion in this room is overwhelming him,” Ronnie says as she hands Grey over to me.

He stares up at my face as though he was trying to figure out if I was all right. I’ve never seen him look so shaken up and I know he’s never seen me look so fucking devastated. I hold him close and pat his back as I wait for him to settle down from his crying jag. Finally, they turn into faint whimpers; I pull him away from my chest, so I can kiss away a few of the tears from his wet cheeks. “I’m okay, buddy. Everything is going to be just fine. I promise you, Greyson.” He looks up at me with wide, curious eyes and as soon as he sees I’m not crying anymore—a small smile graces his pink face.

“I’m sorry I broke down like that,” I say, feeling foolish all of a sudden. I fucking hate that she saw me like that, but I love how close I feel to her right now. “I don’t know what the hell came over me.”

“It’s okay,” she says with a tender smile. “You haven’t had any time to grieve, have you? You’ve been thrust into the role of a parent before you really had the time to say goodbye and grieve your brother.”

One of the things I love about Ronnie is she fucking gets me. She sees the truth inside of me and understands it more than I do. I don’t have to tell her everything for her to know everything. It’s like we’ve known each other all of our lives.

“Thanks for telling me about your mom. I know that must’ve been hard for you.”

“It’s not as hard anymore. It’s personal to me, but you’re part of my life, Trev. I want you to know about my past.”

“I want to tell you everything, Ronnie. I’ve just got to wait until I’m ready. I just don’t want you to think…”

“Don’t want me to think what?”

“I don’t want you to think that I’m fucking weak.”

“I could never think that.”

“But you don’t know everything about me. Once you do, you might not look at me the same way.”

“No matter what you tell me—I know nothing would ever change the way I feel about you.”

How do you feel about me? I wanted to ask. God, I’d love to tell her that I think I love her. I only say “think” because I’m not sure I really know what romantic love is. Even after all the thought I’ve put into it, it’s still a mystery to me. I want her desperately and I can’t imagine her not in my life… Is that love?

“Nothing you could ever say would change my feelings for you, as well,” I tell her, although, I want to say more.