Page 146 of Liberating Lily

The older man just stared at her. His face didn’t change expression.

“I need to go. I’d tell you it was nice to meet you, but it wasn’t really. And I’m trying to be more honest now and not be so afraid. Maybe that will help me get through all this.”

She turned and walked off. He didn’t say a word, so she guessed he didn’t really care.

33

Hands touched her bare skin. They were cold, and she shivered. She wanted to move. She wanted to scream, to push the hands away.

But she couldn’t move. Oh my God, she couldn’t move.

She was frozen, stuck in place while people touched her. There was more than one. All these faces swam above her. Her mother, Dr. Wallace, Rick, they were all laughing down at her as hands touched her bare, naked skin.

And she couldn’t even scream.

Someone shook her, and she attempted to shove them off, her hands slapping pointlessly.

“Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.”

“Shh, mo bhreáthracht. It’s all right. It’s me. It’s just me. You’re safe.”

It’s Harvey. You’re safe with Harvey.

She was safe with Harvey. Safe.

The words ran through her head, and gradually she managed to slow her breathing down, her heart rate dropping.

She stopped fighting against the arms around her, and instead turned her face into his warm chest and sobbed.

He settled her on his lap and rocked her back and forth.

This was their little ritual now, since she’d started having nightmares every night after seeing the video and learning the truth of what her mother and Dr. Wallace had done.

“Shouldn’t it be getting better by now?” she whispered. “Shouldn’t the nightmares be going away?”

“Baby, it’s only been a week,” he said. “You can’t expect everything to get better after a week.”

But she wanted it to. She desperately wanted it to be all good. Part of her wished she’d never found out, that she could just erase it all from her mind, like so much else that had been erased, but she knew that wasn’t healthy. It might have been easier, but in the long run it probably would have harmed her more. This was harder, but at least it was real. And maybe that’s what she needed. She needed honesty. She needed the truth. That’s what she required in order to move on, to go forward.

The only problem was that she didn’t feel like she was going forward. She felt like she was swimming in mud.

She was swimming, swimming, swimming, exhausting herself, and yet getting nowhere close to the shore.

Soon she was going to be so tired that she wouldn’t be able to continue, and she’d start to drown. Maybe she was already drowning. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

To see a way through this.

The only thing that kept her going at the moment was him.

How he was there through it all, the nightmares, the panic attacks, the times where she just sat and stared out the window at nothing.

He’d supported her, keeping her safe, forcing her to eat and drink. He’d put her in the shower and bathed her.

What was he even getting out of this? She was like a child he had to take care of.

Only she couldn’t give him anything in return.

“I don’t see how to get through this, Harvey. It’s getting worse, not better. I’m losing myself.”