Page 166 of Liberating Lily

“Rape me?” she asked. “No. No, he didn’t go that far, mainly because that was a condition my mother made. I don’t think the other women he videoed were that . . . lucky.” That wasn’t the right word to use. She wasn’t lucky because he didn’t rape her. “But he did other things that I never consented to. Things that make me feel . . . violated. Since I saw one of the videos, I’ve been in a weird headspace. I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks; I’ve had to talk to a therapist just so I could learn how to function again. I haven’t had much self-esteem or self-confidence for months. Probably longer. Harvey was trying to build that up again, but then we learned all of this and any sense of self-worth I had has disappeared.”

That’s partly why she’d run when she’d heard Fiadh and Amanda talking. Because their words just validated her feelings of being unworthy.

Clem got up when she finished and started pacing back and forth. Jaret stared at Clem for a long time, looking pained. Then he turned back to Lily.

“Lily, I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

Lily nodded. She didn’t really know what to say in return. She was sorry it had happened to her as well, and she wouldn’t wish that on her worst enemy.

“That fucking bastard! Please tell me that he’s been stopped,” Clem said. Stilling, she clenched and unclenched her hands.

“He’s dead,” Lily said. “We don’t know who did it, but he probably had enemies. Mother lost her mind after telling me what she’d done. Her part in all of it. Harvey’s brother ensured that her bail was revoked.”

“It’s not enough for her to be in a psych unit.”

“It is, though,” Lily said. “She has nothing. She is nothing.”

Clem stared at her for a long moment. “You’re right. That is perfect. She abused you just as much as he did.”

“Yeah, she did,” Lily said hoarsely, barely able to hold back her tears.

“It must be really hard knowing that happened to you, but having no memory of it,” Jaret said.

“My mind plays tricks on me. It brings up what I think are memories, but I don’t really know if they are or not. I have nightmares where I wake up screaming and Harvey . . .”

“Harvey what?” Jaret asked.

“Harvey always holds me. He holds me tight because he knows that’s what I need, or I’ll feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. And then he’ll talk to me, tell me stories about his childhood until I go back to sleep.”

“So he’s taking good care of you?” Clem asked.

“Harvey takes such good care of me.”

“But you left him,” Jaret said. “You left him and came here because you thought you weren’t good enough for him?”

“I know I’m not good enough for him.”

“Did you tell him you were coming here?” Jaret asked.

She shook her head no. “I snuck out of his house. I’m really ashamed of that now. I should message him and tell him I’m all right.”

“I think you should do that too,” Jaret said. “I also think that you should stay here with us. Don’t you, Clem?”

That was a really generous offer, and one she couldn’t take him up on, not when it was Jaret who had asked her and not Clem.

Her sister was silent as she stared out the window above the sink. Her hands were clenched around the countertop.

“Thanks for the offer, Jaret. But I can’t stay. I’ve got to get my life sorted out. Find a job, somewhere to live, something to do.

I thought about giving up. After all, what was the point of being here? But I don’t want my life to mean nothing. So far, I feel like I’ve done nothing. I’ve just been a pawn, and that’s partly my own fault because I should have fought harder. I should have been stronger like Clem, but I’ve never been that.”

“What kind of bullshit is that?” Clem snapped, turning.

“Clem,” Jaret said warningly.

“No. You stay out of this. She’s my sister. I don’t interfere in your family stuff.”

Jaret gave her an incredulous look. “You interfere all the time in my family stuff.”