Page 120 of Save Me

Micah squeezes my thigh, then massages his thumb up and down the outside of my leg. He doesn’t try to tell me I’m not angry or baby me, just massages that damn thumb up and down.

I suck in breath after breath, trying to calm my racing heart.

“Is what you wanted to do to me making you angry?” he asks.

“No.” My answer is immediate and cutting because I want that thought gone out of his mind. It’s not him. It’s me.

I glance over at Micah. He’s biting his lip.

“No,” I say again, softer. “It’s not that at all.”

“Tell me?” he asks.

I glance at the road again. I’ve ruined the mood; now isn’t the time to talk about this. I’m soft and embarrassed and…vulnerable. I wait for that feeling that I’m unsafe, and it’s there, hovering around the edges. And yet, Micah keeps it from fully smothering me.

“Is it something we haven’t done yet?” Micah asks.

“Yeah,” I say.

“Do you want to tell me?”

I spare a glance at him. He’s so cute, looking at me with half-hesitant, half-eager eyes. As if he’d honor my wishes if I didn’t want to tell him.

Fuck, I feel myself melting. But what if that look turns to fear or disgust?

“I’m afraid you’ll think it’s weird.” I turn back to the road.

“Um, have you seen me? You think I’m gonna be scared of a little weird?” Micah scoffs. “Is it furry stuff?”

That makes me snort. “No.”

“Oh, okay, I thought for sure. Do you want to lay me in an ice bath, have me pretend to be dead, and fuck my cold body?”

“What?” I jerk my gaze over to Micah.

He shrugs. “Do you want me to drink your piss? Drink your blood? Fuck your belly button?”

“Oh my god,” I breathe. Has he done all these things? “No, it’s just sounding.”

“Oh!” Micah pauses. “Well, shit, you said weird.”

I stare at him before looking back at the road. “Are those other things your fantasy?”

“Not particularly.” Micah looks at me, eyes wide. “I mean, yes, if it’s yours!”

I glance at him.

“I read, okay? Heaven forbid a man picks up an audiobook once in a while.”

“So you’re not…weirded out?”

”Ummm, no? Mr. Grumpy Hot is going to get me hard and then do something he’s bashful about? Gonna bust a nut right here. Do you have the things?”

The rods? I open my mouth to respond, then close it again. I used to have them. They’re probably melted into the flooring now. “Uh, not anymore.”

This is such a weird conversation. And yet, it’s okay too. Oddly okay. I don’t feel like jumping out of my skin, so there’s that.

“That’s cool, there’s a sex shop on Fourth.”