Page 32 of Save Me

“Huh?” Arthur says.

“The pigeons, the fucking pigeons!” I wave at the patio, my heart racing.

“Oh. They were shitting on the cement.”

Arthur leaves it at that.

“Okay? Where are they?” My voice is raised.

Finally, Arthur makes eye contact with me, and when he does, his eyes are fully black in a way that makes the hair on my arms rise. There’s a taunting look in his eyes, and his lips turn up in a smirk.

And in that second, I realize he got rid of them or worse, hurt them.

Cold washes over the previous heat, turning my gut to stone. I fucked up. I gave away a weakness. I showed a vulnerability. I never should have done that, and the pigeons suffered for it. Arthur destroyed their nest because he could. Because he knew it would hurt me. They suffered because of cruel humans. Just like Nippy did.

For a moment, I see myself as an animal in a cage with Arthur, him giving me a mocking laugh as he strangles me.

Then that boiling rage in my chest turns to deadly calm. Slowly, I say, “Fuck. You.”

Arthur just smirks.

And in this moment, I want to hit him. I want to punch him and never stop punching until that look is gone from his face.

But at the last second, I stop.

That’s what he wants me to do. That’s what he would do.

And so, with monumental effort, I leave.

Because I’m not fucking him. I’m better than him.

A few weeks later, Arthur figures out I ordered from his Amazon account and took a few of his things. He sends threatening texts.

I block him.

Out of all of this, I’ve learned one thing, a thing I should have learned a long time ago from my parents, and that’s that attention is dangerous. Interest is dangerous. It’s a cage with a lock and key. The safest you can be is when no one is looking at you.

And so, I do my best to free myself in the only way I know how. I become invisible. I’ll save myself, because no one is going to do it for me.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

RED ALERT. EMERGENCY. Someone go back and punch previous me–I don’t have any tattoos booked in the next few days.

I know. I KNOW. That means I don’t have an excuse to see Maddox.

I pace around my bedroom, yanking at my hair, pulling sharply at the roots. What was I thinking?? Six months ago, I was a terrible wingman for myself when I planned a little staycation this weekend. How could I do this? I won’t get to see those pretty dimples when he smiles. Those two dimples hit me like a bus when we found Princess, and I’m pretty sure the world slowed in that moment because Maddox finally smiled, and it was one of the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen. Now, it’s all I want to see over and over because every time Maddox smiles at me like that, it’s like that scared part of me that can still feel the beer splatter across my face and hear Dad’s words feels just a little better. A lot better, actually.

I’ll admit, this is not the first time I’ve crashed out about this, and yes, I have considered lying and just going to the tattoo parlor to hang out. However, that then makes me imagine Logan beating some guy to a pulp. A terrible person, so the beating isn’t the problem. The problem is no aftercare. Isn’t there supposed to be pillow talk or something? A little gift package that says, wrong-time-wrong-place-you’re-not-next-cause-we’ve-been-friends-for-years-I’m-also-not-a-murderer-you’re-being-dramatic. Love, Logan. P.S. You and Maddox would make a cute couple.

In an effort to distract myself, I mowed down a bag of M&Ms and then another bag of peanut butter M&Ms, because since when do M&Ms ever let you down? Then I went to the store, got hair dye specifically for animals, and dyed Princess’ tail blue.

He loves it! He only took two bites out of my toes, which was entirely my fault; I shouldn’t have left them unsheathed with no shoes.

My phone buzzes, and I’m on it like a mosquito on a sweaty arm in the summertime. It’s Maddox! He also felt the energy between us!

I open my texts to see it is not, in fact, Maddox. It’s my mom. Asking about whether I’m coming to her party tomorrow.

Holy freak, it’s like leaning in to smell a rose, and all you get is a rancid egg yolk fart. I almost threw my phone across the room.