Page 65 of Save Me

Even the thought of them makes me want to sink into my seat. I feel small again. Like a kid again who got yelled at because I got caught joyriding when I shouldn’t have. Not because it wasn’t safe, but because I might damage the car.

My throat is so freaking tight. My parents never loved me. Why didn’t they love me? Why doesn’t anyone choose me?

The tears come again, but this time they’re quieter. Deeper, ripped from the very depths of my soul. It’s ugly crying, snot, and choked breath and, well, nothing that a macho protector would do.

Because I’m not a macho protector. I’m a coward. Because these emotions scare me. And yet, they roll over me like a tidal wave. I feel every excruciating part of them, the helplessness, the failure, the injustice. Because if no one chooses me, what option is there?

I cry for a while until my head is pounding and I have no more tears to cry.

Then a very quiet, very stupid thought pops into my head. I could choose myself.

I snort, and a big snot bubble comes out of my nose. Yeah right. What am I gonna do? Protect myself against my own stupid decisions? No, Micah, you can’t have that extra serving of fries; it’s bad for you.

I snort again.

‘No, Micah, you can’t stalk your wanna be boyfriend.’

‘But I want to!’

‘No. Bad. No cookie tonight.’

I sit up a bit straighter. Wait. I don’t like this.

I bite down on my piercing and pull, feeling it tug against my tongue. But there’s no pain.

I’m not stalking Maddox because I want to; I’m doing it to keep him safe.

And did he ask you to keep him safe?

I frown. He doesn’t have to freaking ask me; I do it because I care.

Are you just trying to prove to yourself that someone will choose you if you just love them hard enough?

Okay, I’m over this. No more therapist conversation memory, no more joking around. I’m so over this.

You tried to fix their lives to make yourself feel better. Used them without their permission. Took away their control. Just like their abusers did.

I throw the car in gear, fear racing through me. I’m not like them. I’m not. I’m not freaking like them.

I drive forward but realize I can’t drive right past Maddox because he doesn’t know I’m here.

I whip the car around, headed… Actually, I don’t know where. Anywhere but here. As I drive, a feeling of doom settles over me.

I took their control away. Just like I tried to do with Minky. Minky picked who they wanted, and it wasn’t me, and I was so broken that I wanted to force it.

Just like I’m trying to do with Maddox. Just like I tried to do with Tyler.

Looks like I haven’t changed much. The curse is very much still alive and well.

My phone rings, and I glance down at it.

Logan.

My thumb hovers over the screen. Screw it. If I’m this screwed up, I may as well dive headfirst. I’ll lose Maddox for sure, but this is all I know how to do. Drive people away until they’re sure not to pick me. Because even I don’t pick me.

My thumb hovers, hovers, hovers.

Then, I make a choice.