Page 60 of All In

Walking across the living room, I sit down on the couch. On the far end. Further away than Andy was, even. “What’s wrong?”

Josh snaps his head up, looking at me. I always thought he had really pretty eyes. Kind, too. But now, when I look into the green depths… I kinda just feel nothing. Fuck. That makes me feel really shitty.

“Nothing that you can help me with.” He laughs. “Why would you even care, given what I did to you?”

That’s a good question. I don’t have an answer. “Do you love me?”

That seems to shock Josh, his jaw falling open. “What? Of course.”

I cock my head. “Then why did you leave me standing at the altar?”

He’s quiet for so long that I’m sure I’m not going to get an answer. Not that I really expected one, I guess. He didn’t even tell me himself that he didn’t want to marry me anymore. Still kind of a shit move on his part.

“Do you love me?” he finally asks.

“Yeah,” I say automatically, then I frown, because do I really? “Maybe,” I amend. “I think.”

Josh gives me a sad smile. “So maybe we love each other, but maybe we love each other in the wrong ways. Or maybe we just don’t love each other enough.”

My heart slams against my ribs. “Maybe,” I echo.

“Do you think we would have been happy together?” Josh asks softly.

A month ago, my answer would have been yes. With no hesitation. None at all. But now… I can’t quite make myself say the word. Mostly because I don’t believe it. I don’t think we would have been happy together.

I was embarrassed that he left me. Not sad. I felt humiliation. Not heartbreak.

Figuring out the logistics of moving in with Grayson felt more intimidating than living a life without Josh.

“No,” I finally say. “No, I don’t think we would have at all.”

He gives me another sad smile, his eyes darting away. “Me neither. Maybe at first. Maybe we could have pretended. Maybe we could have pretended for a long time, even. But eventually…”

“We would have hated each other,” I finish.

Josh nods. “I really am so sorry.” He reaches out like he’s going to touch me—maybe squeeze my leg or pat my knee—but he draws his hand back right before he makes contact. For the best, really. I don’t want anyone but Gray touching me. “Seems like you landed on your feet, though.” This time, his words are laced with humor. “Quickly.”

I can’t help but laugh. Yeah, that about sums it up, I think. For a split second, I consider telling him the truth. “Why did you defend me so much?”

“I left you standing at the altar. Couldn’t even find the courage to tell you myself. I felt like I owed it to you to make sure you were supported and that people weren’t giving you too much shit. Especially when it was me who was in the wrong, not you.”

Swallowing hard, I nod. “I forgive you.” Josh’s eyes light up with surprise. Maybe I shouldn’t forgive him, and maybe I should hate his guts. But really… I think he saved me—us—from a very unhappy marriage.

“Do you think…” He stops, shaking his head.

“What?”

“Before we started dating, we were friends. Decent friends, I think.” I nod because he’s not wrong. “Do you think we could get back to that again?”

My eyebrows shoot up. “Being friends?”

He shrugs. “I’ll understand if not. There are some things you can’t come back from, and I know that—”

“Yeah,” I say, cutting him off. “I’d like that, I think. Being friends.”

Maybe we should have always just been friends. We can’t change the past, but… being friends with Josh after we had a whole wedding planned—I don’t know. It feels like maybe it’s a sign that my friendship with Grayson will survive our marriage too, and something about that makes me feel really damn relieved.

He seems to slump in relief. Obviously not for the same reasons as me. “Great.”