Page 119 of Keeping Score

“Sometimes I think I like to cause chaos before I can let chaos happen to me,” I said. “Stupid, isn’t it?”

“A little unhinged, maybe,” Liam agreed. “But not stupid. It’s not like we had anyone around us to teach us any better.”

“How did you end up so perfect and I became the emotional train wreck?”

“To be fair, I don’t think I’d ever been considered the model for a healthily adapted adult, either.” He cocked his head.

“True.” I laughed, thinking about how guarded and closed off he’d been for most of his life. “But you pulled it together, didn’t you?”

“Yeah,” he said, looking around his house at the life he’s built. “Because I let people help me.”

His words held meaning. I knew what he was trying to say. Cassie had helped heal a part of him. Or maybe that was wrong. Maybe another person couldn’t heal you. But maybe they could make you want to heal yourself.

I had Brody. And if anyone was worth overcoming my screwed up, toxic patterns for, it was him. I just didn’t even know where to start.

“So,” I started, “hypothetically, of course.”

“Of course.” He nodded, waiting for me to continue.

“If someone were to ask for help on how to put their life back together, what would you tell them?”

“Coming from someone who knows you, I would say, hypothetically”—he rolled his eyes—“that you need to slow down and catch your breath. You never give your wounds a chance to heal. You just pick up and start running again. And you know what happens?”

“I get away from the mess faster?” I added cheekily.

“No. You never find your balance, and end up falling right back down again not long after.”

I scoffed.

“I’m your brother, Mags. I taught you how to ride a bike, remember? When you fell down and scraped both your knees, you didn’t even bother to cry. You just got back up because you wanted to succeed.”

I remembered, I thought with a pang. I remembered how I had been practicing with Liam so when Dad took me out, I could impress him with how well I already rode. I imagined him praising me, telling me what a natural I was, the way I sometimes heard him say to Liam. But he never took me. Not even once. I’d been pissed about it. Or hurt, I guess. But Liam had been there. He’d been there and I hadn’t cared. I’d been so focused on the things I didn’t have, I never stopped to appreciate the things I did.

“You know, I used to be mad at you that Dad gave you all his attention,” I admitted hesitantly.

“I used to be mad about it, too,” he agreed. “I wish it wasn’t the case.”

“It was never your fault. I understand that now. Actually, I think I understand a lot of things now that I never let myself really see before,” I said. “Like how you and I both turned out fine without him.”

“And we’ll continue to be fine without him. Right?” Liam asked, almost pleading with me to agree that we’d be done with that guy forever.

Finally, I was ready.

To let him go. To deal with my shit surrounding him. To put the pieces back together of my life, because even if he had broken them, I was the only one responsible for putting them back together.

“Right,” I said, and meant it with all my heart.

Liam breathed out a sigh of relief and took a few steps to pull me into a hug.

“Proud of you, Mags. You don’t need him. You never did.”

“I do need you though. Is that okay?”

“That’s okay,” he laughed. “I’ll always be here.”

But there was someone else I needed too, and if anyone could help me figure out how to get him back, it was Liam.

“Hypothetically,” I pulled away from the hug to look up at my brother, “if you were going to give someone advice about how to fix things with their boyfriend…” I trailed off, waiting for him to save me from the misery of asking.