Page 86 of Keeping Score

“I won’t make their mistakes,” I said vehemently.

“Right, because you’re closing yourself off to the possibility of that ever happening. It’s self-preservation.”

I frowned.

Sometimes, talking with Linda felt like a mental chess game.

“What am I trying to preserve myself from?”

“The same thing everyone is trying to,” she said. “Pain.”

I stared at her, wagging a finger. “You’re good, I’ll give you that. But so what if I don’t want to feel pain. Is that so wrong?”

“Pain is part of life. And if you spend all your energy trying to protect yourself from it, you’re going to miss out on the good parts. The parts that make it worth living.”

I exhaled, cradling my head in my hands.

The agony of Brody’s face washed over me, a perfect mirror of what I felt inside my chest when I forced myself to walk away from him.

Sometimes I didn’t understand why I acted the way I did. Why I ran from things I wanted. I was the master of self-sabotage, telling myself that if someone really loved me, they’d find a way to stick through it all.

It wasn’t until the aftermath of one of my episodes that I could see clearly. See reason. I couldn’t put people I loved through that just to test them—just to see if they cared.

But, despite that knowledge, I did it again and again and again.

And now? Now I had no one left.

“Now, listen, I’m not saying you should get married,” she said, holding her hands up in defense. “In fact, if you have any doubts, I’d actually say exploring that is the smart thing to do before making that type of commitment. So, what do you say we get into that? Figure out the root of some of those fears?”

I started speaking before I even knew where I was going with it. Like word vomit, I just spoke as the thoughts entered my mind.

“Dating feels different to me than marriage because now, when he’s with me, I know it’s because he wants to be with me. There’s no legally binding law forcing him with me until death. He doesn’t have to worry about legal fees and paying half of his assets to an ex-wife if he wants to leave. But if we’re married… how would I ever know if he’s staying because he still loves me, or if he’s only there because of a legally binding contract? I just can’t become an obligation to him. I won’t.”

“You make marriage sound so technical, Maggie,” Linda said softly.

“Isn’t it?” I asked.

“It might be to you. But what is it to Brody? Why do you think he wants to get married?”

“Because he loves me,” I said, certain of that truth. “And he thinks he wants to be with me forever.”

“And you don’t think he does?”

“I think people change their minds,” I said carefully, biting my lip to keep back any words that might give me away. “And I think losing a husband, after I thought in my head that he was my forever… well, that would hurt a lot more than losing a boyfriend.”

“I don’t think the label makes a difference. Men and women get married every day without the love that you seem to have for your Brody.”

My Brody, I thought.

Was he still?

Or had this final rejection been too much? Pushed him too far away?

“You do love him. Don’t you, Maggie?”

“Of course I love him,” I breathed out. “More than anything in the world. That’s why I’m so scared.”

“Have you talked to him?” she asked. “Since this all happened?”