Page 153 of Make Me Laugh

“Wait, where is she?” I ask, fighting to zone in on my cue.

Enzo shrugs. “Sound booth, probably.”

“Help me in welcoming Traverse City’s own, West Parker!” The crowd roars, sounding like a lot more than a couple hundred people.

Fuck, shit. I’m not ready. I spin around to find a man on stage staring, clapping along with the crowd.

I’m going to kill Enzo.

I take a deep breath and shake my hands out. Last one. West Parker steps out on stage, and I do my best to forget the fact my best friend just told me the girl of my dreams is in love with me too.

I pop the mic off the stand, quickly thanking the speaker whose name I missed as he exits stage right. “Wow, Traverse City.” Palming the unopened water bottle left on the stool, I crack it open and take a much-needed sip. “I’m getting hot just looking at you.”

Lies. I’m getting hot scanning the crowd for a woman I can’t find. From my current position on stage, I can only see pieces of the front row.

“Now, listen. My mom’s here tonight, so I gotta ask everyone to be on their best behavior.” I wrap the mic cord around my wrist, sitting the water bottle on the floor between the stool’s legs. “Do you think you can do that for me?”

There’s a mixture of no’s yelled at me from all directions of the theater.

I shrug my shoulders. “Okay, fine. Then let’s get a little nasty.” I take a step away from the stool and move the mic stand out of my way, standing center stage. “Mom.” I pause, scanning the crowd from my new position. I find her by the excited screams of my family around her. Joey’s not in the row with them, but there’s an empty seat closest to the inside wall near the aisle. “Sorry for what you’re about to witness.”

The crowd's laughter turns to cheers of approval when I reach up and flip my hat backwards. “None of it’s true, and never have I ever,” I pause, holding five fingers up. “Slept with a woman who’s twenty years older than me.” None of my fingers go down, and I bite my lip like I’m holding in a secret. I turn the mic away from my family and whisper, “her birthday was the day after, so it counts as nineteen years.”

My mom’s been to my shows, and yeah, it’s pretty much as awkward as it sounds… but the best way to overcome that is to incorporate it back into my crowd work.

Multiple times throughout the night, I tell Mom to plug her ears and cover her eyes.

By the time I’m five minutes out from the end of my set, I’ve got this sense of unease forming in the pit of my stomach when I still haven’t spotted Joey. Her seat next to my parents is empty the entire show, but no one in their section seems worried. I hang onto that detail while I begin wrapping up.

“Traverse City, when I got the bright idea to plan this three-month tour, I knew there was only one place I wanted to end it.” I’ve only been home once since I moved to London, but ending my first U.S. tour anywhere outside of my hometown didn’t feel right. “This tour has changed my life in more ways than one.” Scanning the audience again, I don’t notice an extra person in the sound booth, and she’s not lurking in her usual hiding spots. “But I couldn’t have done it without the support of my family. So, if you don’t mind.” I swing my arm to the section where nearly thirty of my family members stand and cheer. “Mom and Dad, for letting me believe I could be anything, and somehow not laughing in my face when I called and said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian.”

I let them get the applause they deserve before moving on. “Enzo and Kell.” I turn to see if they’re in the wings, only to be met with the crew. It’s not often that none of them are standing side stage during my performances. What the fuck is going on?

The uneasy feeling comes back worse than before, but I’m still on stage and need to hold it together. I smile, continuing. “For being the best friends and honorary brothers a guy could ask for. I would have floundered way before this tour if it weren’t for the both of you.” I move on, thanking the fans, giving them time to hoot and holler for themselves. “And last but certainly not least, Hex, wherever she’s hidden herself tonight…” The room grows quiet, waiting to hear what I have to say about the girl I’ve been pretending to date for two months. It might have been for show, but nothing with Joey has felt fake. “For seeing the real me when I couldn’t.” Everyone stays quiet, hanging onto my last word like I might say something else, but there’s nothing more to say to a room of almost-complete strangers.

I love Joey, but I won’t tell the world before I tell her—regardless of what everyone thinks they already know.

“Traverse City, thank you. I love you. Happy Thanksgiving, and tonight, on Blackout Wednesday, I cannot stress this last part enough. Buckle up, don’t drink and drive, and tell your mom I said hi. Goodnight!”

I return the mic to its stand and take my final bow. The entire room cheers until the stage feels like it’s vibrating under my shoes.

That’s a wrap on The Mid-West: Because You Could Do Better Tour.

CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

THE ONE WITH THE DIRECT FLIGHT

WestParkerComedy and HexedHeroine are tagged in PopVulture’s post: If Hex cares for West at all, she’ll pack her bags and hit the road before it’s too late to save his career!

Comment: I really feel like this crosses a line

Comment: West’s real fans have been saying this since the beginning!

Comment reply: The fuck we have!

Comment: People really do hate to see a successful and happy woman wtf

The crew congratulates me for a great show as I exit the stage. My voice doesn’t sound like my own when I thank them. I’m hyper focused on finding a familiar face.