Page 139 of Checking Out the Librarian

He was squeezing Connor’s arms hard and Ribby was in between their legs and what if Ribby got hurt but Tony was hurting him, the grip on his arms was so familiar, but he didn’t want that, he didn’t want this gross tongue in his mouth and he didn’t want Tony, no Tony, so he pushed and he jerked his shoulder up and sideways to twist away.

Needed to get away.

He freed his mouth and heard himself already saying NO. Then he drove his shoulder into Tony’s chest and pushed with his whole body. “No!”

Tony staggered a few steps and steadied himself against a cupboard. He stared into Connor’s face, his squinted eyes and tight mouth settling somewhere between pain and anger.

Connor shuddered and clutched the empty plate to the middle of his chest, trying to press back on the feelings clawing under his skin.

Only Ribby moved, snarfing the fallen sandwich.

“Connor.” Tony closed his eyes, looking more wrecked than when he’d arrived, but the pity Connor had felt was gone. “I’m…”

“Say it.”

He didn’t. He never would.

“Can’t you even say you’re sorry?” Connor wiped his forearm across his mouth. The tang of his own sweat off his skin couldn’t erase the stale beer Tony’s mouth had inflicted.

He rushed to the sink and spit, so he wouldn’t throw up, not in front of Tony, even though he felt sick.

He set the empty plate on the counter. It rattled until he remembered to let go. He’d make another sandwich. Then Tony would go more easily.

He stared at the counter. He lifted his hands to open the bag of bread, but his fingers didn’t know how to deal with the plastic thing holding the bag closed. They were shaking. Was there a word for that plastic thing? There must be.

He put both of his hands on the counter and pressed into the familiar coolness.

Was it a tab? A tag? A clicker? He didn’t think those were right. He couldn’t remember the word.

His knees felt weird. He needed to hear Jonathan’s voice, have Jonathan say his name, but Jonathan’s voice had disappeared from inside his head.

Ribby nudged the back of his leg. At least someone was having a good time.

The sandwich on the floor had been the last of the ham, so Tony was only getting bread and cheese in the replacement.

It was a clip. A bread clip.

He tried again, and this time he managed to unhook it from the plastic bag.

Two slices of bread.

Four slices of cheese.

Seal the bag of cheese.

Twirl the bread bag.

Attach the clip.

Okay, his hands and fingers were working.

That was good. If he did this, and Tony ate, then he’d leave.

Ribby whined from next to him.

Tony hadn’t spoken.

The freezer clattered.