Page 142 of Checking Out the Librarian

Tony gripped the hem of Connor’s shorts and started to cry.

He didn’t care.

After he made the call, nobody spoke until the emergency response arrived, three people, all of them calm.

He floated somewhere by the ceiling and watched another Connor, a different Connor, handle the questions about what had happened.

Functioning Connor carefully explained that Tony had been drinking but no, he didn’t know how much, and no, he wasn’t going to come to the emergency room, and no, he wasn’t next of kin, Tony’s family was in Portland, and no, he really wasn’t coming to the hospital.

“Connor. Come with me,” Tony moaned.

“I have to clean this up.”

“Come.” He clutched that bloody shirt in his hand like it was a security blanket, even though he’d mocked Connor’s toys on his last visit.

“You don’t actually want that. You don’t want to be seen with me.”

At the end, when he closed the door, when his house was quiet and empty, and he stood alone among the glass and splintered wood, all he could think was that at least Tony hadn’t driven away drunk.

He really shouldn’t laugh. He shouldn’t. But not bending over and guffawing into the mess took too much energy so he did it.

He didn’t understand why he was laughing, but he did it.

He didn’t understand any of this.

Fuck. The mess. Fuck.

The word felt stuck on repeat in Connor’s brain, like he didn’t know any others. Fuck fuck fuck. It became the white noise background inside Connor’s head, and maybe that would stop or maybe it would last forever.

Clean up the mess, that was the first thing, and he could do that.

Get broom and dustpan and black contractor garbage bag from laundry area.

OhPawsleyYouAreSweetYouAreGoodPawsleyPettingPawsleyPettingPawsleyNoNoPawsleyHasToStayHereWhereIt’sSafe.

Clean house to make it safe for animals.

Sweep glass.

Bag garbage.

Pieces of frame.

Poster of favorite park.

All garbage.

Empty drawer from broken hall table.

Don’t know these keys.

Restaurant take-out fliers.

So much garbage.

Vacuum for tiny pieces of glass.

Wipe floor with wet cloth for glass dust, because Ribby has tender feet.