Page 62 of Hearts Lost

“She’s going to be working with us,” Orryen says. “I wanted to warn you. You’re going to see her around the palace.”

I gulp my tea. It burns my throat on the way down. There’s something almost panicky fluttering beneath my breastbone; I try to write it off as too much black tea and too little sleep.

“I— I need to request a transfer,” I say.

Orryen raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

I take another swallow of tea, then set my mug down before my shaking hands can drop it on the floor.

“Yes,” I answer. “The Outer Ring? Who’s stationed out there right now? We’ve got someone checking in on the World’s End, right? I could replace them.”

Orryen sighs. “Okay, first, you realize you’re still on leave?”

I swallow. My heart thuds dully inside my chest, like it’s already trying to make a break for it.

“Second, Rowan’s going back to the World’s End tomorrow night,” Orryen continues.

“Rowan?” I can’t keep the disdain from my voice. “Does Rowan Sans Evenworth represent the crown now? Is he part of the Royal Guard?”

“Voids below.” Orryen rolls his eyes. “No, Rowan does not represent the crown, and hells no, he’s not part of the Royal Guard. But he did rescue you and Ithronel from the void, and he finally agreed to work with Galan’s magicians. He’s an ass, but his heart’s in the right place.”

I squeeze my jaw together. I don’t particularly want to give Rowan any credit for anything, and I could care less what kind of place his heart is in. Orryen leans forward and rests his arms on the desk.

“Look, wouldn’t it be easier to just talk to Ithronel?” he says.

My throat goes dry. I lean back in the chair.

“I— I have nothing to say to her,” I stammer.

“You’re acting like a child,” Orryen says.

“Well, I fucked up!” I snap.

Orryen’s eyes widen as the truth spills out across the table, sharp edges and all.

“I trusted her,” I continue. “I got pulled in. I should have known better, I’ve spent my whole life training to know better, but I believed her stupid little act. I believed she was— I let things go— I let us get—”

My throat tightens, strangling my words as blood rushes to my cheeks and the drumbeat of my own pulse howls in my ears. I turn to stare at the fire as humiliation clenches my empty gut in its icy fingers and squeezes. Hard.

Orryen sighs and leans back in his chair.

“Okay, listen. I don’t know what happened down there in the void,” he begins.

I open my mouth, but Orryen holds up his hand to stop me.

“I don’t need to know what happened down there,” he continues. “I mean, honestly, I don’t even want to know.”

His mouth twists slightly, and I know right then and there that he understands perfectly well what happened between me and Ithronel. I never had any chance of hiding it. Not from him.

“But don’t just automatically assume the worst,” Orryen says. “And don’t assume that people can’t change.”

I snort again. Assuming the worst has been my literal job for my entire adult life, and I have precious little experience of people actually changing. Orryen shakes his head and then, oddly, he pulls off his jacket and begins to roll up his sleeve.

“See that?” he asks, pointing to a delicate white line of scar tissue wrapping around his bicep.

I raise an eyebrow. Where the fuck is he going with this?

“Elanerill tried to kill me,” he says, with a smile that looks almost proud.