Page 81 of Hearts Lost

“I— I don’t think so,” I manage to say. “I mean, no. No, the void didn’t change my m-magic.”

Rensivar sighs and rolls his eyes.

“Of course it didn’t,” he says. “Of course, it’s too much to ask for those worthless parasites to actually come through for once in their pathetic lives.”

As he mutters, his claws shift forward and wrap around my chair once more. Panic rises inside me, hot and thick, and I can feel the scream welling up in my throat, bubbling toward my lips. And then my chair is shoved backward so violently my neck snaps forward, knocking my chin into my chest and slamming my teeth together. The chair catches something, then goes over to the side. Stars explode across my vision as pain sings through the left side of my body. There’s the sound of a door slamming, of a lock sliding home. I close my eyes and curl my head toward my body.

Eventually, the screaming pain in my elbow and shoulder fades to a dull, restless throb. I open my eyes, but there’s nothing to see in here. There are animals, though, mice or possibly rats, and I take some comfort in the low thread of their awareness. I wait until their fear subsides to untangle the ropes holding me in the chair, and then come gingerly to my feet and feel for the edges of my new prison.

The dark, windowless room is about what I expected, with rough-hewn rock walls and a wooden door, slightly larger than the cell in Aloserin’s estate. I lean my forehead against the stone and let a long, shaky breath out through my lips.

Because I’d been expecting this. Hadn’t I been anticipating a stone cell ever since King Grathgore’s human servant summoned me in the night? Or, stars, maybe since the soldiers came to our house after I won the race and took me to serve the Kingdom of the Summer? Honestly, haven’t I been living in a prison of one shape or another ever since that day?

Tears bite at the corners of my eyes as I remember waking to blue grass and a violet sky. Another prison, I’d thought. Some fresh type of torture. Stars above, I’d spent so long in captivity that I hadn’t recognized freedom.

The tears trace their way down my cheeks, hot against my skin. Freedom? What freedom? I’d carried my cage with me into the void, hadn’t I? I’d had a choice every day I spent in the void. Every hour with Aloserin. And every day, every hour, I’d chosen to continue carrying King Grathgore’s magical weapons, even after I’d seen what they could do. Even after I’d used them to wreck Elanerill’s attempt to bring down the barrier. To destroy everyone standing inside that teleportation hub.

And I’d chosen to say nothing. The truth hovered on the tip of my tongue, just beyond the cage of my lips, and every time I’d refused to turn it free. Even after Aloserin had become my friend, and then my lover, I’d stayed loyal to King Grathgore. I’d served the man I hated by betraying the man I was falling in love with.

Sobs shake my shoulders and tear from my lips, echoing around the little room and startling the small animals who’ve made this prison their home. I’d had a choice. King Galan had said he’d try to find my sister, try to free her, and I’d chosen not to believe him.

Because to believe him would be to admit there had always been another way. That I could have simply told the truth from the very beginning. I could have told Elanerill, or Orryen, or King Galan himself, that I’d been sent to destroy them. I could have trusted them with my sister’s life instead of trusting Grathgore. I could have betrayed the Kingdom of the Summer and not Aloserin.

I could have chosen trust over fear, love over hatred.

I could have, and I did not.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper to the cold stone wall of my current prison. “I’m sorry, Aloserin.”

My words sound hollow against the stone, and nothing returns to me but silence.