Page 63 of Searching for Mr Tilney

‘Have you,’ he said, but he didn’t say it as a question, it was more like an accusation, and I knew he didn’t really believe me. ‘Well, now I’ve forced an invitation, are you going to let me in?’

I stood aside, and he marched in. Following him into the sitting room, I saw him stop suddenly, take a step back and let out a loud ‘Whoa’. I saw through his eyes what a mess the room looked. There were books and sketchpads on every surface, half-filled mugs of coffee with mould growing on the top, sticky rings on the table, and just stuff everywhere - a stack of vinyl records stuck together with the remains of sticky toast crumbs smeared in jam, several encrusted baked bean tins, and a bowl of grapes covered in fur. The vase containing what were now dried flowers filled the air with the smell of dank water, and the whole place looked filthy and unloved, a bit like me.

‘Right, you go and have a bath, and put on some clean clothes, and I’ll sort this out … no arguing,’ said Piers with a gravity in his voice I’d never heard before. ‘Go right now before I change my mind.’

I didn’t stop to argue, and ran a bath of what turned out to be lukewarm water because there wasn’t any hot left in the system, but at least I wouldn’t smell any more when I’d finished. By the time I’d dressed and dried my hair, I felt so much better, even if my clothes were hanging off me. I’d just got out of the habit of eating very much. Being miserable had curbed my appetite, and only spending time by myself, it had been easy not to bother about food.

When I walked into the sitting room I gasped. I’d forgotten how lovely the room could look. The sofa and chairs were looking plumped up and cosy, the surfaces were sparkling, and there was a smell of polish in the air. He’d even managed a trip to the shops. There were old-fashioned roses in a vase on the table, and the smell of warming croissants coming from the oven.

‘You’d make a lovely husband,’ I said, kissing him on his cheek. ‘I can’t thank you enough; everywhere looks wonderful. I know I don’t deserve it.’

‘No, you don’t, and I have to say it was a lot worse than I feared, but I love you, dearest Caroline, and I couldn’t leave you any longer living in squalor. We’re going to have breakfast now … pass me the orange juice out of the fridge, and you can tell me all about it. And I’m not talking about the dresses you’ve been making … I’m talking about what’s happened between you and Harry.’

I knew I couldn’t avoid it any longer or lie to Piers, and in any case it was such a relief to get it out and into the open. I told him everything, word for word, and admitted how ashamed I was of myself.

‘Do you understand why I didn’t get in touch now? It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see you, but because of how I felt about myself, Piers. I’m wracked with guilt and shame, and don’t know what to do about any of it.’

‘I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. You’re going to get on a train to Bath this afternoon. Here’s your ticket … Mrs Partridge is expecting you. I’ve only booked you in for two nights, and when you’ve told Harry what an idiot you are and begged his forgiveness you can come home again. But, leaving things, letting them fester to eat you up from the inside out is not a good idea. It might not make a jot of difference, and you might have to face the fact that Harry will hate you forever, but you cannot go on like this.’

I looked at the train ticket in disbelief. ‘But, he isn’t in Bath. He told me he was going to stay on in Wales and look after his uncle.’

Piers reached out and took my hand. ‘Ellen didn’t have the heart to tell you, but it was in the papers. Harry’s uncle passed away last month, and when she phoned Mrs Partridge to see if she had any more news, she said Harry was back in Bath … he’s been there for two weeks now.’

‘And, I suppose you’ve known all along what happened. Mrs Partridge probably knows just how horrible I am too.’

‘I can assure you, she knows nothing of the sort.’

‘I see you haven’t exactly contradicted me. Oh, please don’t make me go, Piers … I couldn’t face him.’

‘What does the Mother Superior say in The Sound of Music when Maria says she won’t go back to the Captain?’

‘I have absolutely no idea.’

‘That walls were not built to shut out problems, that you have to face them, head on. You can’t run away from the truth … you’ve got to live the life you were born to live … something like that. I used to have it off by heart.’

‘You’ll be singing, Climb every mountain next.’

‘I can sing it rather well, as a matter of fact. Are you sure you don’t want to hear it?’

‘Quite sure,’ I said, but got up from the table to put my arms round him again. ‘Thank you for being such a darling friend. Not that I think anything useful will be accomplished by it, but if it will help Harry or myself feel better, you’re right … I’ve got to do it.’

‘Hurry up and pack your bag,’ he said, getting up to clear the table. ‘The train leaves Paddington at two-thirty.’

***

It only took just over an hour to get to Bath, and when I stepped out of the station it brought back so many memories, making me feel completely unsure of what I was doing. I hadn’t got much money, but fortunately my bag wasn’t too heavy so I decided to walk to Pulteney Street. When I arrived at the house Mrs Partridge was waiting with a big hug, and took me straight upstairs.

‘You’re very lucky the house is vacant, just now, so I’ve put you in your old room, you’ll be glad to hear. It’s a pity you can’t stop longer … there aren’t any guests coming now for a week or so, but Mr Howarth said you had to get back for your special show at art school. I do hope it’s all going well, dear.’

‘Yes, thank you, Mrs Partridge. Everything is ready, and I’m just waiting for the day now.’

‘You’ll have to think about going on holiday when you’ve finished,’ she said. ‘You’re a bit pale … I can see just what Mr Howarth meant when he said you’d been working too hard.’

I was grateful that Piers hadn’t told her the real reason for my visit to Bath, and so far she hadn’t mentioned Harry or Elsa. I just hoped it would stay that way.

‘Well, I’ll leave you to settle in. I found you a few books I thought you might like from the library, though perhaps you had a look at them last time. Two are biographies, very old books written by Jane’s Austen-Leigh relatives, and the other is a lovely old copy of Mansfield Park. Have you read that one?’

‘Thank you, you’re so kind to look them out for me. I read Mansfield Park a few years ago, and I must admit I found it quite difficult after reading Northanger Abbey and Pride and Prejudice. I’d like to read it again.’