Page 84 of Ash Fall

The problem is that half of what he said is true. I can feel which half, and I still can’t get the pieces to sit flat next to each other. She loves all of us. I’m not stupid, I know that. It just never meant anything to me except that one day I'd watch her pick somebody, so I made sure I would still be standing there when she did.

Part of me hears the truth in what he says, and I can nearly picture it but every time I get close, my brain slams a door on it.

I turn around and walk away, past the work lights and out into the darkness. I’m not sure where I’m going but I know I can’t stand here and I’m definitely not ready to go back inside and be around people.

Behind me, Mars finally finds his voice. "All of you?"

Nobody answers him.

Chapter 31 - Torrin

I scrub a hand down my face and try to push the exhaustion back far enough to think.

There are people moving around me in every direction, hauling totes and calling out to each other, and the equipment bay that swallowed our whole convoy this afternoon has stopped looking so big. Three rows of campers stand along the east side and people are going along making sure the batteries are hooked up and opening the slides on the units that have them. A brief random thought surfaces in my mind, wondering about being able to plug in the units for power and fill tanks with water but then I realize that sounds like a good Sorenson problem for another day. It isn’t something to worry about tonight. Most of the vehicles are inside now too and in between are mounds of supplies like bedding, lumber, pallets of canned goods, tarps, tools, and stacks of furnace filters. All of it needs sorting, storing, and some kind of order. Again, I think that sounds like a great problem for tomorrow. I know I don’t feel up to taking that on tonight.

What I need is either a bucket of coffee or nine hours flat on my back. I’d prefer the second one right now.

The faces going past me look different than they did at supper. People are tired, but they've lost that haunted look they had when they climbed off the bus, because every one of them has a bed tonight. I heard that some of Sorensen's group hauled mattresses brought in from the supply run into the office space and claimed a few offices to sleep in. Some of the families with kids will be in the campers to give them more space.

I don't much care where I end up as long as it’s with Luna. That said, I am not going to complain about the fifth wheel Jules claimed for us. It's a massive beast at over forty feet long with enough good sleeping space for our odd little family to stay together. I start toward it to find out whether we're done for the night or if Anders has one more project waiting, and I spot Luna instead.

She's standing alone at the back corner of the motorhome with her arms crossed over her stomach, looking lost, so I change course to check in with her. My magic wakes up about ten steps away from her with that buzz I’m slowly getting used to. The feelings that I’m getting off her hit me hard enough that I automatically speed up to get to her. Despair, mixed with anxiety that feels sharp, a feeling like she’s a rubber band that’s reached its limits and is about to snap. She's standing perfectly still and she’s drowning in it.

I reach for her hand and turn her gently toward me seeing the pain in her eyes as she moves in against my chest, and I wrap both arms around her.

"What is it, love? What's wrong?"

She doesn't answer but her arms come around my back and she squeezes tightly like she needs me to hold her up. She presses her face into my shirt and stays that way for a full minute. People walk past but pretend not to notice us and nobody stops.

When she finally leans back, her eyes are wet.

"I don't know what to do, Tor." Her voice wobbles on my name. "It’s Gage. He’s really upset and I don't know how to fix it."

"Gage?" I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "I noticed he's been in a mood since we went into town. I figured he and Jules were bickering about something again."

Her face crumples. "It's me. They're arguing about me, and I don't know what to do."

Ah, that makes sense. It finally came to a head. I've known this was coming for months. Every one of us has, whether we wanted to admit it or not. I just didn't think today would be the day, with an ash cloud on the horizon, forty strangers in the building, and nobody having slept properly in a week. It's a conversation the five of us have needed to have for a long time. It pisses me off that the way it finally went was with her standing in the middle of the crossfire.

"Listen to me," I keep my voice low. "None of this is your fault and it isn’t yours alone to fix. I promise you it'll get worked out."

She shakes her head and swipes at a tear with the back of her hand, frustrated with it.

"No, you don't understand. Reid, and then Jules, they both..." She takes a breath. "They kissed me. Behind the motorhome, right before you left for town and Gage saw it." Her eyes come up to mine, and they are full of pure misery. "The look on his face, Tor. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to fix that."

Well, fuckity fuck. They made their move? Both of them? At the same time? A spike of jealousy and frustration runs through me. Where does that leave me? I want to ask her, but I can't. She has enough weighing on her tonight without me adding more to the pile. At the same time, I've been careful with her for a very long time, and being careful is starting to feel like it’s costing me. I need to tell her how I feel, but I need to tread lightly. I don’t want to make her feel worse or more scared than she already is.

"They both kissed you." I keep my expression even. "Were you okay with that?"

Her face turns nervous, and a wash of pink climbs her cheeks as she looks away from me. Then she nods.

I take a breath and hold it a second before letting it go. "Alright. So, if you're okay with it, then what does it have to do with Gage?"

Her eyes come back up.

"God, Tor, I'm such a mess. I don't know what I want."

That's not true, and we both know it. She knows exactly what she wants. She's just never let herself look straight at it, and I've watched her do that for a while now, so I lay it out for her as gently as I can.