Page 88 of Ash Fall

"It's not just about sex with them," I grind out, and I can hear how prim that sounds.

"Sure." Kara rolls her eyes. "But it's also a little bit about sex too, right?"

I throw my hands up, which costs me some coffee and has the brat jumping back so it doesn’t land on her designer jeans.

"Oh, come on," she points at me. "You cannot stand there and tell me you wouldn't be down for that. All of them. And listen, as much as I want no details, and I mean none, zero, about you and my brother, even I can admit it's objectively hot to have multiple men lining up to make all your dreams come true."

"It's complicated." I say it too loud. "I don't even know how it would work."

Gigi's hand shoots up. "Oh! Oh. I can draw you a diagram if you want."

I give up. Turning on my heel, I march up the motorhome steps. "We're making breakfast now. Breakfast is happening."

They follow me in, still cackling.

Cooking with Gigi settles me the way it always has. We build a feast out of what we brought, eggs and rehydrated sausage links and a mountain of toast. Gigi hums to herself while she works two pans at once, and Kara butters while providing commentary. My hands stay busy and my head goes exactly where I told it not to.

How would it even work?

Do we draw up a schedule? Rock paper scissors for date night? The picture is so ridiculous I almost laugh into the eggs I’m scrambling. Then a different picture comes, and it isn't ridiculous at all, it’s comforting because it's the last two years summed up. All of us in one kitchen, one living room, one table, cooking and arguing and falling asleep in a pile during movies, a family in every way that matters. The same thing we already are, with nothing held back anymore, no more careful, no more pretending.

The well under my ribs hums, low and warm and waiting. I stir eggs and pretend I can't feel it.

When everything's ready, I go to round everyone up.

The back half of the bay has turned into a construction site since yesterday. Scaffolding frames climb the rear wall in long silver rows and stacked around them on pallets are bags of soil, nested pots, seed trays by the hundred and the boxes of grow lights. Anders wasn't kidding about going up with the garden.

Anders, Gage, Mars and Torrin are working in the far corner, so I head that way down the aisle between the pallets passing Tanner and his crew. They're bolting a frame together off to my left. They don’t even see me as I pass and maybe that's why the guy doesn’t lower his voice.

"The blonde, though." It's the wiry one, and he says it around the bolt he's holding in his teeth. "You see those cheekbones? Girl looks like she sucks cock for a living."

Every single one of them laughs. Cold dread pours down my spine and pools in my stomach. I keep my pace even and my eyes forward, and I let the words go right past me. The last thing I want is any one of those men knowing I heard. Men can be crude about women, I know that locker room talk is a thing. I don’t like it, but maybe it's nothing but ugly talk to pass a busy morning. I stuff it in the same drawer as Marlene's face anyway. I’ll worry if the drawer is starting to get full.

By the time I reach the far corner my nerves are strung like piano wire and my shoulders ache with how tense they are. Gage glances up from the frame he's levelling, sees me, and turns straight back to his work.

Hurt goes through me first, quick and stabbing. Anger comes in right behind it, and it surprises me how easily it comes. I swallow both of them down and put on a pleasant voice that probably won’t fool anybody.

"Good morning, everyone. Breakfast is ready in the motorhome, if you want to take a break and come eat."

"Now that is the best news I've heard today." Anders comes over and pats my arm on his way past. "Thank you, you dear girl. This void in my belly has been complaining since sunup."

Mars and Torrin finish screwing down the section they're working on and set their tools on the plank. Torrin passes me and presses a kiss to the side of my head. "Morning, love." Mars gives me a smile that doesn't quite know if it's allowed, and a quiet, "Good morning," and follows him.

Gage keeps his back to me and keeps working.

The two of us stand there in the corner with a whole chasm of silence between us. He doesn't turn around, doesn't speak, doesn't do one single thing to admit that I exist. I want to stomp my foot. Instead, I grit my teeth and say it to his back.

"Do you think it's fair that you're punishing me for something I didn't even know was going to happen?"

His shoulders tense but he still doesn’t acknowledge me.

"So that's it, then." My voice stays level, which is a miracle. "They kissed me, and you're done? You're going to give me the silent treatment and punish me and pretend I'm not standing here." I nod at his back like he can see it. " I guess that tells me exactly how you feel about me. Good to know, Gage."

I whirl around and start walking. I make it maybe ten feet before he's beside me. He doesn't touch me. There's no look either, just his stride matching mine with his eyes fixed somewhere ahead, and when he speaks his voice has gravel in it.

"You know how I feel about you."

Then he makes a bitter half laugh with no humour in it at all.