Page 97 of Beast

Totally off limits to chicks, I stared at the course. Some of my toughest memories were climbing a rope, carrying logs over my head, maneuvering under barbed wire, and scaling walls. I didn’t think women should ever be allowed to train as SEALs. Call me a misogynist asshole, but why can’t men just be men? Like, we couldn’t even have porn anymore because we couldn’t risk offending women. Fuck that. But the thought of seeing Annie, dirty and sweating, writhing on the ground, and begging me for mercy, made me willing to make an exception.

“Maybe someday I’ll let you try. If you’re a good girl.” I wanted to smack her tight little ass, but I didn’t want to disrespect her. I imagined taking her from behind, dominating her, making her scream my name. But after what she had been through, I was also worried about scaring her. Any sexual experience with her had to be slow, sensitive, and all about her.

We found a secluded spot on the beach. Most of the tourists had deserted by then and we were blessedly alone, shrouded by the trees and warmed by the remnants of the sun. As the sun began to set, I threw a blanket down, pulled Annie on it, and wrapped her in my arms. Whatever this was, she felt right there, like she belonged. Her hair smelled like vanilla, and it drove me wild remembering the night I had her wrapped around me.

“You know, I never was a beach bunny. Chris surfed, and my girlfriends spent all their time down here sunbathing, but it was never my thing. Once I was taken, though, every time I had a chance to look outside, I would try to see the ocean. It meant freedom to me. A way off the island.”

“I actually hate the ocean. You’d think as SEALs, most of us would love it. But after going through Hell Week, spending all that time training while being wet and sandy, the last thing we want to do is spend our free time near the beach.”

She squeezed my knee and smiled slowly. “I’d love to see you wet and sandy.”

Grrr. I wanted to make her wet, but not from the ocean. From my mouth, from my hands, from my cock.

“Tori seemed nice.”

“Yup. She’s amazing. Great woman. Joe lucked out.”

“You saved him?”

I paused. I never talked about my missions with anyone, other than fellow SEALs. But I trusted Annie. Completely. “Yeah. Two years ago, we were in Afghanistan. We were deep undercover. I’d made the call to let some unarmed Afghani civilians go, which is protocol. But we were ambushed. We lost a few men, good men. Joe was wounded, but I dragged him to safety.”

Her hand glided along my shoulder, a soft comforting touch. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t need to. Normally, I would push away any form of sympathy; my machismo thought that expressing my feelings made me weak. But I liked being vulnerable with Annie. I’d seen her at her worst; she could see me at mine.

I reached into my pocket and took out a small box. I shoved it in her hands. “Here. I got this for you, to replace the shitty one I bought you in Aruba.”

She opened the box and pulled out a tiny necklace. It was a small, gold trident. Our symbol. My code.

“I love it! Thank you, Pat.” She turned her back to me and I unhooked the necklace I’d given her.

“Wait. Stop. I want to wear that one also.”

“Why? It’s cheap. Cost me fifty cents.”

She clutched the old necklace to her chest and the sight caused me to feel oddly protective. “But it’s worth fifty thousand dollars to me. It gave me hope. Hope that you would return and save me.”

I hooked it back on and placed the other one around her neck. “I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so resilient.”

“I couldn’t give up. I had to give Gabriel a chance at a future.”

I took her hand. “I leave again in six weeks. For three months. After that, I’m not sure how long I’ll be back here until our next mission.”

“I don’t care, Pat. One thing I learned in captivity was to not focus on the future or the past. Just take one day at a time. I’m happy with you today. We don’t need to plan out the rest of our lives. As long as you want to be with me now, that’s enough for me. I waited for five years for someone to save me. I’d wait another five years for you to come back home to me. I’d never cheat on you—”

“I know you wouldn’t cheat—I wasn’t worried about that. It’s more complicated. I’ll never see you.” I needed her to really get what life being with me would be like. There was no happily ever after in store for us. Longing, heartache, loneliness. That was all I could provide.

“I can’t connect with anyone back home. My parents, my friends, Chris. It’s so crazy. Everyone expects me to be who I was before I left—like I can just slip back into my old life. But I’m not the same person. And I’m also not some careless girl who ran away for five years. I’m a woman. I want to fall in love. I want to take control over my body. I want to feel pleasure. Those men took five years of my life and I won’t allow them to take a second more. Being kidnapped was something horrible that happened to me, but I refuse to make it define me. And I have the greatest gift from that experience. Gabriel. I hate to be a bitch, but I hear my friends whining about stupid stuff, like not having enough money for new clothes, or their boyfriends spending too much time with their friends. Who gives a fuck? I mean, I was raped every day for five years. I’m a recovering heroin addict. That will be a part of who I am for the rest of my life.”

I shook my head; she had to listen to me. “I hear what you’re saying, but I can’t give you what you need. As much as I want to. You will always be lonely. There will be days, weeks where you won’t know if I’m alive or dead. And you have Gabriel. He needs a constant presence in his life.”

“I’d never be lonely with you. You are here in my heart. I’m trying to tell you that with you, I don’t have to explain myself, apologize for what happened, or lie about the past. You know what I’ve been through, and you’re still here. You don’t see me as a victim. You see my strength.”

“I don’t want you to be anything other than what feels right to you, Annie. You’re perfect just the way you are and no one or nothing can change that. You proved that by surviving.”

She was angled in my lap with her legs thrown over mine, her head resting against my chest and in that moment I realized I didn’t want whatever it was between us to end. I wasn’t ready to call it love. All I knew was I wasn’t ready to let her go.

“That means a lot to me. I hate lying to everyone and even my parents act awkward whenever I’m around. My dad won’t even look at Gabriel. You’re the only one who seems to treat me like a person.”

The breeze coming off the water surrounded us with the salty sea air, like a warm cocoon. With the lock of her gaze on mine, the rest of the world seemed to fade away and it was just us, wrapped in each other. “I want to make this work.”