Page 31 of Stolen Salvation

Noah grinned and she realised she was still holding his hand and pulled back before he could. Tucking her hands into the pockets of her hoodie, she clenched her fist as if to hold in the feel of him.

“Yep, we do some rescues now and then too, but it’s mainly a front for what we really do.”

“And what is that, Noah?”

“Save the world of course.”

Shaking her head she followed him out of the building and the early morning sun that warmed the land with its beauty shone on her face. “You always did have a saviour complex, Noah.”

“Pot, meet kettle!”

“That was different.”

He held out his hand as she moved to step over a small rock and although she’d been walking rougher terrain, she still took the hand he offered.

“Tell me.”

Walking silently beside him, Charlie considered whether she could give him this truth at least. “After we, uh… lost him, I felt lost, unhinged, desperate. It was like having an out-of-body experience. I knew I wasn’t acting rationally but I couldn’t seem to control it. I felt broken, guilt, shame, regret, and grief, so much grief that I wondered if I’d even be able to keep breathing.”

“Baby.”

“Let me finish, Noah.”

He nodded and kept them walking the narrow path, the fresh mountain air and the peace of this place like a balm to her injured soul.

“Some days I’d look at you and imagine you holding him, see the joy I know he would’ve given you, and knew I’d taken that away. I loved you so much, Noah, I felt like I was losing you too. When we got into fights, I told myself that I was protecting you by pushing you away. I felt too broken to give you what you needed, so I was a bitch.”

“You were grieving a loss nobody should ever have to endure. You still are.”

“I know that now, but at the time I was a train wreck. So when I heard Armand threatening you, I saw a chance to save you because I knew I wouldn’t survive losing you.”

“And yet we lost each other.”

“Do you think about that time? Of Freddie?” She said his name and the razors in her throat dug painfully as tears sprung to her eyes.

“Every day. I wonder what he’d be doing now. If he’d look like you or me. What his voice would sound like, how beautiful you’d be as a mother. Not a single day goes by when I don’t miss that, don’t feel it cut deep.”

She nodded because she thought it too. “Do you remember when we decided on his name?”

Noah grinned. “Yep, you got it from one of those baby name books and said it meant Peaceful Ruler.”

“He would have been a great man. I could feel it.” She looked to the wet ground beneath her boots and blushed. “I’m sure that sounds crazy, that every mother feels her son is destined for greatness, but I truly felt it.”

Noah stopped and turned her into his body, resting his hands on her hips. “How could he have been anything less with you as his mother?”

A hiccupped sob tore from her throat but the pain she usually felt when thinking of the future her son could have had eased. Noah’s hand came around to cup her head and bring her into his chest as he held her.

“I miss him.”

“Me too, baby. Every day and I treasure the time we had with him.”

Raising her wet eyes to him, she asked the question that had plagued her. “Do you think he was in pain when he died? Did I hurt him when I fell?”

Noah frowned. “No, he wasn’t in pain. You asked the nurse that, remember? She said he was perfect except his little lungs were too under-developed.”

“I did?”

“Don’t you remember?”