Page 46 of Cruel Salvation

Tears pricked Lotus’ eyes. “Thank you.”

“So how far along are you?”

“Eleven weeks. It happened the night of your engagement,” she said to Peyton.

“Oh, this is so exciting. Our babies can grow up together and they’ll have Fleur and Florence and little Iris too.”

“Yeah, we need some boys in this mix so we can play matchmaker when they grow up.” Charlie laughed. “Oh my God, Noah would lose his mind. He already thinks Iris should be a nun and join a convent when she hits puberty.”

Lotus sat back and enjoyed the banter and the sense of family she always got from being around these women.

“So what about work? Will you continue with the Dorsey case?”

“Absolutely. This is who I am, and a baby won’t change that.”

Snow laughed like she was some movie villain. “Oh, girl, you have no clue just how much your life is about to change.”

“Maybe, and that’s scary. I’m good at what I do, and I don’t know anything else.”

“Listen, you’ll figure it out. Just don’t be rigid. Give and take is where it’s at.”

“I don’t want to lose myself like my mother did.”

She never spoke of her mother, and it seemed to catch her friends off guard, but they recovered quickly.

“Lotus, we all know the story from the files, but you never speak about it.”

“Not much to say. My mother had an affair with Marcus Preedy and he killed her. My dad loved his work and his mistresses more than us. I’m not the only person to go through something awful.”

“No, but you were never given any support. You were manipulated by others into a job that is violent and extremely stressful at a very formative age.”

Peyton’s job as a therapist meant that Lotus knew she was coming from a place of knowledge, and it hit harder. “I wanted to do it. I wanted to avenge my mother.” She also wanted to defend John Smith but a part of her was already doubting if he’d wanted the best for her. When she considered her child and someone treating her teenager that way, it made her blind with fury.

“Of course, you did, but it doesn’t mean it was good for you to do it. You were hurting and grieving and, instead of loving you and nurturing you, they put a gun in the hands of a child and sent that anger into the world to do harm.”

Tears pricked her eyes and her lip wobbled, so she bit down on it to stop the tremor, but a sob escaped her throat. “I did good, too.”

Duchess wrapped her arm around her as Snow appeared on the other side and leaned into them both.

“Oh, honey, of course you did. You stopped thousands of deaths and saved hundreds of soldiers from an awful life. You did so much good, but you sacrificed so much of yourself to do it and I don’t think you realise how much.”

Tears were pouring from her eyes now as the magnitude of it all hit her like a tsunami. “I miss Rykov.”

“I know, honey.”

Charlie thrust a tissue at her, and she wiped her eyes and tried to stem the tide of tears. “He was my friend, and he was the first person to see me for the broken girl I was inside, and he helped piece me together.”

“He was a good man and a good friend, but you pieced yourself together.”

“He sacrificed himself for me.”

“That may be true, but it was because he loved you. You were like the sister he lost, and I have no doubt that gave him a lot of comfort.”

“He was like a brother to me.”

“Lotus, you’ve suffered so much loss, it’s a wonder you can get up most days. But you not only get up, you kick ass and make a difference and you enrich the lives of those around you. Warren adores you.”

“So does Bram.”

“Noah too. This team is only as good as it is because each person plays a vital role in it. You’re loved, Lotus.”

Lotus gave Duchess a watery smile. “I love you guys.”

“We love you, too. Now enough with the tears. Tell us about the sex with Damon. Is it as hot as I expect it to be?”

Lotus laughed at Charlie, who was very similar in personality to her. “Hotter.”

“No, I don’t want to hear this about my brother-in-law. I’m gonna get the profiteroles.”

Lotus spent the rest of the evening laughing with her friends but also processing what they had said.

As she left, Peyton pulled her aside and handed her a card. “This is a colleague of mine, Henry Sharp. He’s a brilliant therapist and I think he could help you process everything.”

“You think I need it?”

“I do. Not because you aren’t brilliant and smart and clever but because you’re terrified to thrive. I want to see you thrive and take life by the balls without living in fear of losing it all.”

As she headed back to her apartment, those words went over and over in her head. She wanted to thrive and live without fear, and she wanted to do that with Damon, but was that an impossible desire? Did people like her get a happy ever after? She wasn’t sure but she wanted to try.