Page 56 of Playing Hard to Get

“You're quiet today.”

Dodging Frankie’s worried gaze, I shrugged and took a sip of my water.

“You look like you have something on your mind.”

I hated when she did this. When she saw right through all the walls I built around myself.

“Can I ask you something?”

Frankie leaned forward and took my hand. “Of course, Viv. What is it?”

“When did you know Corey was the one?”

Frankie's eyes widened. “Oh my God. It all makes sense now.”

A frown tilted my lips. “What does?”

“I knew something was different. You and Mitch, you barely flirt anymore. You’re seeing someone.”

I pulled my hand away from hers, then wrung my hands in my lap. “I'm not...” I meant to say I'm not with Mitch, but I couldn't. The words wouldn't come out.

“Who is it?” she asked, oblivious to the way my stomach dropped to the floor. She leaned forward, her eyes like saucers and a big smile on her face. I shook my head. My fingernails bit into my palms. “Okay, okay, you don't have to tell me. But seriously, Viv, I'm so happy for you.”

“Frankie, I'm not…” I shook my head again. Pulled on the mask I'd used for years. The one that said nothing could hurt me, nothing could get to me. The one that kept people away. “I was just curious, you know? Don't make this into something it's not.”

She frowned, her brows furrowed and her hazel eyes darkening.

“I just want to know how you knew.” I shrugged. Looked away like her answer didn’t matter to me. But it did. I was dying, trying to figure out if my feelings were real. If it was just my body craving the release I’d only ever gotten from Mitch, or if it was my heart that was begging to be near him.

“Well…” Frankie watched me. Analyzing. Searching for answers to questions she hadn't asked. “I wasn't sure at first. I'd never felt like this about anyone, you know?”

I nodded. My father wouldn't let her get close to anyone.

“But when I finally gave in, stopped trying to stay away, it was because I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was an obsession. I knew I loved him when the thought of not being with him was enough to bring me to my knees.”

My heart pounded hard in my chest. I would have said something if I could have thought of something to say. If my throat hadn't clenched shut. If the words I'm in love with your best friend wouldn't have been the final nail in the coffin of Frankie's and my relationship.

She took my silence for something it wasn’t. “Don't worry, Viv. You’ll find someone someday. You need to relax a little. Loosen up, you know? You're never going to find the perfect man. But someday you’ll find the perfect man for you.”

I wished she’d just come out and say it. She thought I was a bitch. She thought the way I treated men in the past was because I didn't think they were good enough for me, when really it was because I didn't know how to make them fit into the narrow space in my life I always felt the need to control.

My father gave in to love and look where it got him. I never wanted that. Never wanted my heart torn in two, to lose the most important thing in my world and be left with the remains of a life I no longer wanted to live.

But with Mitch? I lost the control I always felt the need to have. And I lost my heart in the process. It belonged to him. Losing him would ruin me.

Frankie droned on about Corey, oblivious to the thoughts spiraling in my head. How he wasn’t perfect, but she loved him anyway. How he left his socks balled up around their condo. How he forgot to rinse the toothpaste down the drain at night. All the tiny little things you didn't think about until you merged your life with another.

“The thought of having children terrifies me,” she admitted to me over dessert. “I mean, if his socks in the living room drive me crazy, how am I going to deal with a baby’s toys all over the place?”

“Are you planning on kids, then?” I asked. It was the most interesting thing to come up in the conversation, and I tried to pay attention.

“Someday,” she said after a deep sigh. “We’re still young. I'm still trying to get the company flowing smoothly. And I can't imagine what Marco will be like.”

Nodding, I zoned out again. Fell into my fantasies and the dreams that cropped up in my sleep last night.

Mitch told me about James’ son, Samuel. The little boy who came into the world mere hours after his poor mom was notified of her husband’s death. Mitch visited them in Seattle when he came home from his tour. Held the sweet baby boy in his arms while he told Erika how he blamed himself for James’ death. He’d begged her for forgiveness he felt no right to receive. And he’d done everything he could to keep in touch, to help her raise her son in a world darkened by the loss of someone whose light was extinguished too soon.

He held me in his arms when he spoke of the child. Kissed my neck and held my stomach as if he hoped his own baby were growing inside of me. He never said it. But his touch touched me. And my dreams last night swirled with thoughts of a future with the man.