Page 32 of We’re All Going to Die Tonight!

Chapter 18

Avery

October 17

1:10 a.m.

I know before the boys return that something’s wrong.

Normally, my anxiety misleads me. It tricks me. It tells me that my body is facing a threat, and it makes no difference whether that threat is a debate competition or a walk down the hall at school. To my brain, the worst is waiting just around the corner, waiting for my inevitable mistakes. I’ve always done my best to outsmart it, to prepare myself so well that I can face whatever the day has to throw at me.

But now my anxiety isn’t its usual buzz of nerves refusing to be ignored. Now my anxiety is tempered to a strange calm, as if it’s finally being proven right. So when the door opens and the guys come back inside, immediately locking it behind them, I already know what Caulder’s going to tell me.

Something’s happened. Something they want to keep locked outside, away from the rest of us.

Does he hear my thoughts? Because his eyes rise to meet mine. There’s something there, something I can’t read. But I recognize the look. It’s the same one he gave me before I stepped out onto the debate stage and lost the competition for us. It was a warning. A warning I ignored.

Whatever this warning is, I should heed it. And the urge to run is strong. Truly, if Marlene’s hand weren’t clutched in mine, I might. Because whatever Caulder’s about to say, I know in my bones that it will change everything.

“What?” Kaitlyn says. She’s been pacing in the kitchen, eyes darting to the windows ever since they left. While I’ve held on to Marlene—literally—Kaitlyn’s been in constant motion. Occasionally, she’s gone to check on Lucas, but he’s the same: unconscious though breathing steadily. But for how much longer?

“What?” Kaitlyn demands again as Javi comes into the kitchen. There’s pleading in her eyes. She wants the truth. Needs it. And Kaitlyn Bendix always gets what she wants.

“Mr. Jay,” Caulder says. “He’s…gone.”

The world spins underneath me. Those words, the impossibility of them. The finality of them.

“What do you mean, he’s gone?” Kaitlyn asks, her voice pitching high, bordering on hysterical. “You don’t mean he’s…dead?”

But they do. They nod, saying as much.

Someone I know—someone I knew—is dead. And worse…

I wanted him dead.

Next to me, Marlene’s hand slips out of mine. When I turn to her, she’s dropped to the ground, curled in on herself, and is sobbing, big, heavy, racking sobs.

I follow her down to the floor immediately, recognizing the way Marlene’s fighting for breath, the way her entire body shakes. I’ve never seen it before in another person, but I’ve felt it and know the shell-shocked look in her eyes when she lifts them up to mine.

As I crouch beside Marlene, Dr. Millet’s voice floats back to me.

Avery, what you’re describing to me sounds like a panic attack.

“Shit,” Caulder says. “What’s going on?”

“Is she hysterical or something?” Kaitlyn asks.

As the others’ voices swirl around me, I focus on Marlene, keeping my voice as steady and even as I can, trying to ignore my own heart slamming against my chest.

“Marlene,” I say. “Can you take some deep breaths for me? In through your nose and out through your mouth, okay?”

“We don’t have time for this,” Emerson says. “Someone murdered Jay!”

“Emerson,” Kaitlyn snaps. “Shut the fuck up, okay? You’re not helping.”

“Are you kidding?” Emerson says. “Are you fucking kidding? Jay is dead—”

“We know, man,” Javi says. “But Kait’s right. We need to be calm.”