Page 23 of Trying Not to Need You

I nod, because I know she does. She starts to stand to clear the table. “Leave it.” I stand and offer her my hand, which she takes. I lace her fingers through mine and lead us to the living room, nodding toward the couch. “Have a seat. You need anything else to drink right now?”

“No, I’m good. Thank you. I would like to hear this story you’ve been teasing.”

I chuckle lightly. “It’s a good one. Starts out sad, but I’m hopeful the ending will be a happily ever after,” I tell her, and her eyes soften, but she doesn’t comment.

She pulls her legs under her on the couch and wraps her arms around herself as if she’s protecting herself from my words. Jumping from the couch, I move to the hall closet and grab a blanket. It’s soft and fuzzy and something my mom said I should have on hand if I ever entertained a lady friend. I remember thinking even then, three years ago, when she gave it to me, that the only lady friend that would ever snuggle with this blanket would be Baylor, and well, here we are.

Rushing back to the couch, I shake out the blanket from its fold and lay it over her lap. That earns me a heartwarming smile as she snuggles beneath it. This time, when I sit, I’m a little closer than before. I take a minute to gather my thoughts before I start spilling my truths, laying myself bare for her.

“I can clearly remember the day I noticed you were no longer just Ellison’s little sister.” I smile as I think about it. It’s been twelve years since the day that set this need that I have for Baylor Moran into orbit. “It was your high school graduation. You wore that white lace dress, sleeveless, hitting just above your knee. Your hair was pulled back on the top, and that day, you took my breath away.”

My hands ache to reach for her, but I keep them in my lap. “You were just eighteen. I was twenty-three, already living the rodeo circuit life. I knew you had big dreams of going to college, and I wanted that for you. At the time, I thought it was just me noticing that you’d grown up, but every time I would see you again, that same feeling of needing to be near you would wash over me. By your junior year of college, I was planning my life around knowing when you would be back in Magnolia Ridge. Spring break, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the other times I’d learn you were coming home, I did whatever I had to do to be here and make sure I got to see you. My family thought I was making an effort to come home more, and I let them believe that. Sometimes, I’d barely be home for twelve hours before I had to leave again to ride, but to me, it was worth it to get to see you.”

“Macklin.” She breathes my name, her eyes wide with disbelief, but the story’s not over yet.

“Being a bull rider is hard on your body, as one might guess.” I chuckle. “I told everyone I was considering retiring, and I was, but not only because of how hard the sport was on my body. That was a part of it, but the biggest reason was that I thought that you and I were finally going to be in the same place at the same time. You’d finished your degree, and I thought it was our time. Hoped it was our time, was more like it.” I clear my throat but keep going. “Suddenly, you were twenty-two, and I was twenty-seven, and the five-year age gap didn’t seem as insurmountable as it had before. No more balancing act to make our schedules line up, no more missing you from a distance…” I say, my voice trailing off.

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispers.

“There’s more,” I tell her, taking a deep breath and starting again. “I was home for your graduation party, and I was working up the nerve to ask you out. I can still see you that day, too,” I tell her. “Brown sundress, brown cowboy boots, your hair braided down your back. You took my breath away and had my nerves kicked into overdrive, but I was used to that where you were concerned. Before I had my chance to even suggest dinner, you dropped the bomb that you were moving to New York.”

Baylor’s eyes are locked on mine as she hangs on every word. She doesn’t try to speak, and I’m grateful. I wasn’t ready for how telling her all of this, confessing to her that she’s who I’ve always wanted, would slice open my chest. It’s painful yet cathartic at the same time, but I’m almost done, so I need to keep going.

“I stayed on the circuit three more years before deciding my body had had enough. I’d had enough. I knew fuck all about living in a big city full-time, but I was hanging up my spurs and heading to New York.” She gasps, and I smile. “I was going to get my girl, but then you came home to visit. I remember the exhilaration that I was finally going to do it. I was going to tell you that I’d wanted you for years, and I was going back with you. I didn’t know what I would do for work. I was too young to retire altogether, but I knew nothing was going to keep me away from you. Well, nothing until you came home with him—Todd, your new boyfriend. And for the second time, my plans that were so thoughtfully constructed were pulverized to dust.”

Closing my eyes, I focus on pulling in a deep breath and slowly exhaling. When I open my eyes, they lock on hers. “Five years ago, I hung up my spurs for good. Five years ago, I had a plan, one that I’d pushed back many times, and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. Five years ago, I met Todd.”

Silence settles between us, thick and heavy. I clasp my hands together in my lap to keep from reaching for her. Her facial expression isn’t giving her away, and I’d give anything to be able to read her thoughts in this moment. I know that I have my work cut out for me. I know that, while I’ve yearned for her for years, this is new for her. But I’ll be damned if I pass up my chance with this woman another time.

I’m all in. With everything I am, I’m going to show her that, and if it’s not enough, well, at least I’ll know I didn’t leave anything on the table.

Seven

Baylor

My heart thrashes in my chest, and there’s a swarm of butterflies in my belly. Macklin holds my gaze, waiting for me to say something, say anything, but I’m at a loss for words, which doesn’t happen to me often.

When he told me he had a story for me, I never imagined that story would be that he’s wanted me for years. That every turn my life took somehow placed me just out of reach, like a timing game neither of us knew we were playing.

I swallow hard, my fingers curling into the soft fabric of the blanket he covered me with as his words replay in my head. Years. He said years like it was nothing, like it didn’t mean he’d watched me build a whole life with someone else. Like it didn’t mean he’d stood on the sidelines while I gave my heart away—to the wrong person.

“To hear you say all that—” My voice comes out quieter than I expect, fragile in a way I don’t recognize. “I don’t even know what to do with it. I don’t know what to think or how to feel.”

He shifts closer, not touching me. It’s as if he’s giving me space to breathe, to process everything he’s just told me. However, his presence wraps around me anyway. Warm and steady, making me feel comfortable despite the drumline inside my chest.

“You don’t have to do anything with it,” he says softly. “I just needed you to know. I know that you need time, Baylor. I know that he hurt you. He didn’t deserve you,” he says, his tone tinged with anger. “But when you’re ready, I want my chance. I want to show you how it feels to be treated with love and respect. I want to show you what our life together could look like. I don’t care how long it takes. You take all the time that you need, but Baylor, I’m going to be right next to you every step of the way. Until you tell me that I’m not what you want, that you could never see a future with me, I’m going to be right there. Ready. Willing. Waiting for you to give me my chance.”

Knowing changes everything.

Because this isn’t a passing crush or a matter of convenient timing. This is history. This is a lifetime of knowing each other. A man whom I crushed on when I was younger, one I always made an extra bracelet for. My crush faded while his ramped up…? How is this real life? He took me off guard today in the stables, but this, his confession, wasn’t at all what I was expecting.

He’s sitting here next to me, telling me he’s been waiting and that he’s never stopped wanting, and now he wants his chance. My chest warms, wanting to fall into his embrace. But my head knows that words spoken can be empty. It’s actions that speak volumes, and he’s right: I’m not ready. Not after just ending a five-year relationship that went on for far longer than it should have.

That’s on me. I stayed. I thought we were on the same page, and it was just a hump we needed to get over. Relationships are hard, and I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to fail. Yet, ultimately, he ended us, without even knowing he was doing it. Actually, I think he knew, which is why he hid it from me. I think there’s a part of my ex that cared for me, but not enough. I haven’t even heard from him. Not the way my brother-in-law loves my sister. Not the way my dad loved my mom. I want that, and I won’t settle for less. But when I’m ready…

I let out a shaky breath, pressing a hand to my chest as if I can physically calm the chaos inside me. “Macklin… I just got out of something that—” I stop, my throat tightening. Five years. Five years of believing in something that slowly unraveled until I barely recognized myself in it. “It broke something in me,” I admit, the words tasting like truth and fear all at once. “I don’t trust my judgment anymore. I don’t trust… men. Not the way I used to.” The words taste like gravel on my tongue, because it’s the first time I’ve admitted how much the betrayal hurt me.

I don’t miss Todd. He ruined that. There will never be a chance for reconciliation. But I miss the life I thought we were building. I miss the security I thought I had knowing he was my person. Todd blasted all of that to smithereens, and what’s left is me, floundering, trying to find a new rhythm, trying to see where I fit in, where I’m headed, and into another relationship wasn’t on the list. At least not this soon. I have a lot of healing to do before I get there.