Page 9 of Trying Not to Need You

That has to mean something.

This is my moment.

I exhale slowly, pushing myself to step away from the drink table. My heart kicks harder with each step I don’t take, like it’s daring me to move, to stop standing here like a spectator in my own life. That’s what it’s felt like. I’m always watching, waiting, and missing every chance I didn’t take.

Not this time.

Not again.

As I watch her, something settles into place so firmly it almost feels like relief. I’m done standing back and watching the life I want. Tired of watching the girl I want drift away. I don’t know exactly how this is going to go. I don’t know what it’s going to take to win her heart, but I’m a man on a mission. The need to make her mine fuels me. Finally, my choice is undeniably clear. No doubts, and no hesitation.

I’m taking my shot.

I’m not letting her slip away again. We’re here. We’re both free. And whatever this is, whatever it’s always been, it’s time to act. I’ll show her what she means to me. I’ll make her fall in love with me. I’ll give her as many babies as she wants. I’ll give her everything I am.

I want Baylor Moran.

And it’s finally time that I do something about it.

The thought settles deep in my bones, like a promise to myself. No more room for doubts. No more watching another man have all her attention. I’ve wasted enough time pretending this is something I can control, something I can outrun.

It isn’t. It never was.

She’s it for me. She always has been.

And this time, I’m not hesitating. I’m not waiting for the perfect moment. I’m taking the risk, taking the leap of faith, and damn the consequences. Because if I lose her this time, if I can’t make her fall in love with me, at least I’ll know I didn’t lose her by sitting idle and not taking my shot.

Three

Baylor

Stepping into my childhood home feels different this time. I visited as often as I could, but coming home has never felt like this. Usually, there’s a clock ticking somewhere in the back of my mind, counting down the days until I have to pack my bags and trade gravel roads for subway platforms again.

Today, there’s no clock.

The screen door creaks shut behind me, that familiar, stubborn hinge announcing my return like it always has. I can almost close my eyes and hear my parents yelling at us girls that we are either in or out, as the sound of that creak followed us in whichever direction we were heading.

I miss my parents with an ache that never lessens. I ran when we lost them. I thought I needed something bigger, something more, but being here, knowing I don’t have to pack up and leave, it hits different. I’d forgotten how the feeling of home could wrap around you like a hug.

“Baylor,” my oldest sister, Ellison, says, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Come sit.” She pats the couch cushion next to her.

I do as she asks and step further into the room, sitting next to her. She reaches over and grabs my hand. She doesn’t say anything as Copeland comes into the room, carrying more bags, with our sisters right behind him.

“Ells, this baby is already spoiled rotten,” Courtlynn says, grinning.

Copeland comes over and bends to kiss Ellison. “You need anything?” he asks her.

“I’m good. Thank you.”

He kisses her again before standing to his full height. “I’m going to go grab a beer with the guys.” He steals another kiss, and my heart expands for my big sister. Copeland was always the love of her life, and I couldn’t be happier that they got their second chance.

Once Copeland leaves, Courtlynn and Leighton snuggle up on the loveseat, and I love that I get this time with them. Then I remember. I’m not just visiting. I’m not passing through. I no longer have to count down the hours I have left with them before leaving for New York.

I’m back for good.

Or at least until I can figure out my next move.

“So, home for good, huh?” Courtlynn, my youngest sister, asks. Courtlynn is the most like me, outspoken and a little wild, but I guess being the baby of the family will do that to you. She’s one to talk about being spoiled. Then again, we all were spoiled and loved beyond measure.