Page 36 of The Intimacy of Finding You

Still coughing a little, I was finally able to look at him through teary eyes. “What?”

Crew rested his side against the wood, crossing his arms. “About Tobi. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice you walking across the street with food every day? I got curious. I stepped outside one day when you walked over there and used my phone camera to zoom in. You were talking to a very suspiciously Tobi-looking man.”

What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? Instead of saying anything immediately, I placed the cigarette between my lips and took a long, deep pull. I focused on the way the end burned a bright orange, turning into an almost amber glow. Was it ever enough? No. I wanted to feel the fire beneath my diaphragm. I wanted to feel the stars inside of me explode, just like Tobi. I wanted to be reborn into something new. Something younger. Something less… No. I wanted to be something more.

More important. More knowledgeable. More forgiving. More.

After stalling for maybe a minute longer, I finally gave Crew an answer. “Yeah. I lied. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to give you any false hope or information until I knew something more concrete. It’s still kind of touch-and-go with him.”

“Does he not have somewhere to stay?”

“He does for the moment. Jack finally convinced him to stay in this makeshift room he has at the bar. I’ve been bringing him stuff like food and water. He even accepted a shirt and jacket from me the other day.”

He tilted his head up, staring at the porch covering. “He’s changed a lot, but also not at all, huh? He was never the best at accepting things from people.”

“No. No, he wasn’t. He’s just a hell of a lot more stubborn and vocal about it now.” I squatted down, reaching between the porch slats to snuff the glowing flame on the end of my cigarette into the snow. “Mix that with the alcohol, and it’s like walking on eggshells to make sure I don’t say or do the wrong thing to make him run. I don’t know when to push. I don’t know how much. It’s a mess, C.”

“Yeah, it makes sense why you’re out here having the disco of your life instead of in there helping us take my decorations down.”

“Sorry. I’ll come inside now.” I was already heading back to the door when he stopped me.

“Hold on.” He stood directly in front of me. “It hurts. Like, a lot. It feels like my heart is about to explode out of my chest at the thought of Tobi being back but not willing to talk to any of us. But I also know that, if there’s one thing I’m certain about quiet little Tobi, it’s how much he loves you. That kind of devotion and awe?” He shook his head. “That doesn’t just go away. No matter the time. No matter the distance. And Tobi had determination and drive at some point—surely, he still has it.”

I searched for something in Crew’s eyes. Just beyond the beautiful light blue color lay a world of icebergs and vast, open waters. The water was sparkling. Glimmering beneath the sun above it. “You’re saying you have hope?”

“I have more than hope. I have logic and knowledge. Tobi is great at surviving. I figured that out when we were kids, though I wish that’d never happened. But it means I know exactly how strong he is. And I know without a doubt that he’ll come back to us. It just…” He sighed. “It took a few days and a lot of talking to Price and a good therapy session for me to even consider that, despite having seen the evidence.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Good.” He patted me on the shoulder. “Make sure to take some of these leftovers to him tonight if you can.”

I knocked on the door and waited for an answer. The bag in my other hand was starting to slip, but I was already so anxious I couldn’t bring myself to take my hand off the doorknob so I could open it the moment I got a response.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Callum. I brought something.”

The doorknob started moving by itself, startling me as Tobi opened the door. “Oh, hi. What’d you bring?”

I followed him into the small, cramped room, setting the bag on the cot just like before. “We spent time with the OG staff and some of their plus ones today. Crew bought way too much shit as usual, and Price cooked way too much shit as usual. So, I brought some leftovers. I warmed them in the break room microwave, so they should still be warm if they aren’t hot.”

“Oh, wow.” Tobi got situated back on the cot, facing me as I sat on the stool in front of him. “This is a lot of food.”

“Yep. It’s all yours if you want it. Keep it here. Heat it up when you need to.”

He looked at the food containers and then back up at me. “You gonna eat with me?”

“If you’re okay with that.”

“Yeah, no, of course.”

I pulled out the plates and plastic silverware before working to pull the lids off each container. “Is your stomach, uh…” I trailed off, not really sure how to ask the real question I had.

Tobi grabbed one of the plates, keeping his head down. “I ain’t sober. I ain’t shit-faced drunk. My stomach is doing just fine this time.”

I nodded, even though it broke my heart. I was sure it’d keep breaking my heart, but I was meeting him where he was. I was accepting him as he was. “Did you find something to eat earlier?”

“Yeah,” he said just as he was swallowing his first bite. “Fuck, this is good. But, yeah, there’s this guy who recognizes me from the subway, and he likes to trade with me. Sometimes, he’ll split food he’s got, and I’ll do the same, eventually.”