Page 39 of The Intimacy of Finding You

He looked blurry. Too blurry. I couldn’t see his smile clearly, and I needed to. I needed to see his smile, if only to keep it preserved in my mind for the rest of my life, just in case. Just in case it was the last one I saw from him.

“Tobi?” His feet shuffled along the ground as he stepped closer to me. “You okay?”

How had I gone from being in his arms to crying over a chair because it held more memories than I got? Each ring held a piece of his DNA. A piece of his very soul itself. I wanted that. I craved that. I just couldn’t have it.

I’d ruin him if he got too close.

But I was selfish.

Selfish enough to drink even when I knew it was ruining me and the people who cared. Selfish enough to leave instead of facing my problems head-on. Selfish enough to reach out to him, even though I knew I’d do nothing but throw him into the same cycle I’d been begging to get out of my entire life.

I was stone-cold fucking sober, and I could feel it all so loudly. So deeply. It hurt. It burned. It stabbed. But it made me feel like a feather.

Light. Innocent. Pure. Pieces of me were blowing in the wind, carrying themselves over to him, and I knew without a doubt that he’d reach out and take them. When he took them, he’d cradle them. He’d keep them safe. Callum would keep me safe.

The only question was whether I was willing to keep myself safe. I was selfish—selfish and aware enough to know I still wasn’t fucking ready to let go. To start over. I needed more time. I didn’t know how long, I didn’t know how hard it’d be, and I had no idea if Callum would be willing to wait for me.

I needed to think.

Wiping my tears away, I stood up from the chair. “I need to go.”

Callum looked at me, his eyebrows pinched together in obvious confusion. “What’s wrong?”

“I just need to go.” I went to turn, but his voice stopped me.

“Wait, let me take you back to Driftwood.”

I shook my head. “I have the keys. I know the way. I’ll walk.”

“It’s a far walk, Tobi.”

“I’ve walked further.”

It hurt. Leaving hurt. But if I still loved him, I had to choose. Alcohol and death, or Callum and life. I needed to know if I was strong enough. If I was willing enough. I had to be certain because once I decided, I wouldn’t be able to go back. I wouldn’t be able to run anymore.

For now, I walked away. Hopefully soon, I’d be walking right back, and Callum wouldn’t be looking so fucking distraught.

chapter twenty

Only two more days before New Year’s Day. There weren’t more than tiny finishing touches left on the rocking chairs, and I’d be able to hand them over to Pops so I could see his face light up in awe. I could hardly fucking wait.

Tobi had agreed to stay at Driftwood for a little longer, and we still met every day. Most days so far, I’d bring him dinner to the bar, and we’d just talk. We’d talk about anything and everything and nothing all at the same time. I’d gotten to see him smile a few times, though he felt a bit more distant than before he’d come to my house. I still didn’t know why he’d run away that night, but he told me he’d tell me when the time felt right. He was giving me so much trust, I decided to trust him, too.

He’d tell me things when he was ready, and I wouldn’t push him to tell me anything when he wasn’t.

It seemed like he’d had a lot on his mind. Some nights, I’d show up, and he’d be sober. Some nights, he’d have a bottle of something he got from someone sitting on the floor beside the cot.

He was trying. That was all I could ask for. I did wonder what I’d find when I saw him tonight, though.

I had to miss our normal noon meeting to check on Papa. His phone was messing up again, and he never knew how to make it work, so I’d come over and fix it for him whenever that happened. It scared me the first time because it just kept going to voicemail. Turned out his phone was just old and needed to be restarted every so often, but no matter how many times I showed him how to do that, he’d forget. It’d gotten to a point where I’d just assumed he wanted an excuse for me to come over and bother him. How could I say no to that?

The snow had lightened up quite a bit, but a decent amount of the ground was still covered. My shoes sank into it as I made my way to Papa’s front door, trying to get me to stick around for as long as possible. My brain liked to equate the snow to an unknown force just trying to devour me whole.

It was one of those late-night, barely thinking ideas that’d run rampant in the back of my mind. I often ignored it for the most part, but it became an idea that made me smile. Just another obvious way for me to remember how illogical anxiety could be.

I knocked on the door and waited. Pops had shitty hearing, so I expected to need to pound on it a couple of times. He couldn’t hear the doorbell anymore, since it was at a higher octave. Just another thing I needed to replace for him. I knocked again when there wasn’t an answer, this time harder.

Pressing my ear against the door, I tried to listen to any sounds of him moving around. His cane had a distinct noise when it hit the floor. A familiar thunk that’d always remind me of him if I heard something similar elsewhere. I squinted at nothing as I tried to single out any and all noises, only to come up with nothing.