Page 43 of The Intimacy of Finding You

I could make it all go away. I could use it to help me sleep. Just until Jack told me that Callum was okay, or until Callum came by for dinner. I tilted the bottle back, not even wincing as the burn made its way down my throat. Just until I saw Callum.

Just until I could make a decision.

The moment I woke up, I checked the time on my shitty phone. It was late. Too late. And Callum still hadn’t come by, and Jack hadn’t told me he’d gotten a response. I still felt a little groggy, but the vodka I’d drunk before sleeping had worn off, and I could feel my gut instinct. I didn’t like it.

I pulled on the coat Callum had given me and walked back down the bar hallway, rubbing my eyes to get rid of the blurry tint in front of my vision. Jack wasn’t at the counter, which usually meant he was outside smoking.

The back door stuck a little, making me pull on it harder to get it to open. It was cold, dark, and windy outside, but Jack was right there next to the door with a cigarette in his mouth.

He nodded his head up at me. “Hey.”

I shivered a little, rubbing my hands up and down my arms. “Hey. Did you not hear from Callum?”

“Oh, shit. I forgot to let you know. He said he’s fine.”

“He’s fine?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he say anythin’ else?”

He took a big drag from his cigarette, shaking his head. “No. He’s not much of a texter. At least he isn’t with me.”

Something wasn’t right. Could Jack not see that? I said I was fine earlier, too. He saw through my shit, so how could he not see through Callum’s shit?

“Listen, if something was wrong, he’d tell me. He’s probably got other shit going on.”

He may have known Callum now, but I knew Callum back then in a way nobody else had ever gotten to know him. I knew my gut. I trusted myself just enough to trust my instincts when it came to him. Something was wrong.

I grabbed the doorknob and turned it. “Okay. Thanks.”

Maybe everything was fine, and I was just overreacting or thinking too far into it. Or maybe I was right, and he needed me. He’d diligently made sure to meet with me every single day, and he always told me if he was going to be late. Callum said he’d figure out the truth. He said he still loved me. He said he wouldn’t give up on me, even if I’d given up on him.

I hadn’t given up on him.

I had to stop relying on him finding me. I had to go find him.

I didn’t stop walking until I was out the door and waiting at a crosswalk. It didn’t matter how cold it was. Just like he’d searched for me in complete darkness all this time, I’d search for him in any condition.

Callum had taken me to his house, and I had a great memory when it came to directions. His house was a twenty-minute walk. Twenty minutes of nothing but thinking and shivering. I hadn’t even brought my backpack with me.

I wasn’t entirely sure what I was expecting. What would I do if he had given up on me, and all the hope beating in my chest was for nothing? But I wouldn’t know until he opened the door. So, I knocked.

And knocked.

And knocked.

I stood there, freezing on his porch, knocking over and over. Fishy started barking from somewhere in the house. It was weird—his bark was so loud and scary for such a small, friendly dog. “Good boy,” I whispered.

One last knock, and the lock finally clicked. I stood back a bit, waiting as the front door slowly started to open. The body I knew as Callum’s stood on the other side, but he looked so…vacant. So lost. Like he wasn’t actually there.

His gorgeous hazel eyes were glossy, and the skin around them was red and puffy. His nose looked raw, and his upper lip was red as well. “Callum, what’s wrong?”

I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. He stepped back, ushering me in. I understood why the moment I crossed the threshold and let the door close behind me. Fishy ran into the room, skidding along the floor and stopping right in front of us.

All I could pay attention to, though, was how fucking distraught Callum looked.

His lower lip quivered as he looked over me, a few tears falling down his cheeks. He stayed silent as he turned around and started walking slowly. So slowly, like he didn’t have any energy left. I was so used to the upbeat, full-of-life, albeit anxious, Callum. This wasn’t like him at all. I fucking knew something was wrong.