Page 52 of The Intimacy of Finding You

“I missed you, too. At least, I did when I allowed myself to. I kind of kept myself pretty numb and occupied, if you know what I mean.”

One of his eyebrows shot up, but only for a second before he shrugged. “I know a lot about hurting yourself to make it all stop on the inside.”

My eyes flicked to the scars along his arms, if only by instinct. Yeah, he did. We’d both been hurt by the same person, and in turn, we’d both turned to hurting ourselves. What were the odds? “I know. I also know this won’t change anything, but I am sorry. I’ve been sorry since the day I left, but I didn’t think I could come back. None of that’s an excuse, but I mean it.”

“You were gone for a really long time, Tobi. We hurt for a really long time. I can’t say that I’ll accept your apology right now, but if you stick to being sober and you don’t run away like that again, I think there’s a pretty good chance I will eventually.”

“Yeah, I think that’s completely fair.” I shifted in the chair, trying to swallow back the exhaustion that was catching up to me. “I promise to gain your trust back. Everyone’s trust.”

Fishy decided he’d had enough of Crew’s lap, jumping off the couch entirely to lay on the hardwood floor. Crew took that chance to turn his body toward me, looking straight into my eyes. “I’m still sorry too, you know.”

Shaking my head, I already knew what he was apologizing for. “It was never your fault, Crew. Ever. Not Thompson. Not me leaving. Nothin’.”

“Not for that, Tobi. I mean, yeah, I still feel some guilt for that, but that’s not what I mean. I’m sorry for not being there enough. Not pushing you to get help sooner. For not being the kind of friend you obviously needed back then.”

“Even if you’d talked my ear off about gettin’ help, or therapy, I wouldn’t have gone. It wouldn’t have made a difference. This was the path I was set on, and it was the path I took. I think I was always gonna come back to y’all. I just needed to break before I could even think of gettin’ better.”

Callum nodded beside Crew. “I think that’s why they call it rock bottom. Can’t start climbing until you’re there.”

I scoffed at myself. “Yeah. Living in someone’s bar as an alcoholic, gettin’ alcohol poisoning only to go out and drink again after running away when offered help, and watching…” I shook my head, feeling choked up all over again. “Watching you suffer. Hearing you so broken when I was nothin’ more than a semi-functioning drunk. All of it broke me. All of it was my breaking point. All of it showed me that I hated where I was.”

“You gonna take our help now?” Crew raised an eyebrow.

“I’m gonna do my damned best to. I’ve been a mess for so long, I got a lot to clean up, but I’m ready. As long as it’s step by step, and with the support of y’all, even though I don’t deserve it.”

“We’ll be here every step of the way. All of us.”

It was so weird how different yet similar Crew still looked. I’d thought seeing Callum for the first time was odd, and now I understood that time didn’t make someone completely different. They were still themselves, just older. Just with small changes.

But someone’s core values and personalities didn’t change just because their ages did. My heart still recognized Crew, just as he still recognized me, despite my complete failure of existence as a human.

It was comforting, as it was saddening. And terrifying. I’d missed out on so much, yet so little, all at the same time.

Clearing my throat, I locked my fingers together. “Thank you. Uh, speaking of steps, I have a lot of packets to read over about recovery options. I don’t really like the whole AA approach, but I still need to think about it. If I don’t do AA, I think the addictions counselor at the hospital mentioned outpatient therapy with someone specializing in addiction. I think they got group therapy too. All I know is that there are a lot of decisions, and I need to make ‘em fast, or I risk relapsing.” I sighed. “As much as I wanna think my sheer determination and will could get me through, I ain’t stupid. I’ve been drinking for so long, it’s more likely for me to relapse than it is for me to not.”

“You’re one step closer than a lot of alcoholics.” Callum’s grin was barely there. His eyes looked so sad. So glossy. “You want to quit. You’re ready to. You’re choosing life over alcohol. You’re choosing us over it. Choosing me.” He looked down at the floor. “That’s a lot more than I can say for my parents. So, I think you’ll be just fine. It’ll be hard, but we can prepare for hard. We can’t prepare for having no will to quit because you won’t be able to stay sober if you don’t want to stay sober.”

Crew was nodding along. “Exactly. We’ve got your back as long as you have your back as well. We can look over the options when you aren’t so tired. I can tell you’ve had a rough week.”

“That would be an understatement.” Withdrawal took so much energy out of my body, I was curious how long it’d take to get it all back. I wondered if it was permanent for a second, too. Like maybe a piece of me had been taken by the alcohol, and I’d never get it back.

That didn’t matter for right now, though. For now, I wanted to catch up. Find my place again with the people who’d meant so fucking much to me.

I asked Crew to fill me in on everything I’d missed. He told me about how famous Fire and Ice had gotten and how Price had now been on multiple TV shows, including ones with Gordon Ramsay. Callum told me about his grand idea to open a new location, and Crew told me that it was in progress.

Willow had a partner now. Their name was David, and they had just spent their first Christmas with the OG staff. Willow was doing great in her field, having climbed her way up the chain as much as she could. Crew and Price had bought a house in a nice little suburb. Jesse, Liam, and Isaac were still as wonderful as ever, living in a nice, big apartment right in the middle of the city.

Although my life seemed to have stopped so long ago, theirs had taken off. And through it all, they’d missed me. A lot.

And I’d missed them, too.

I’d taken the best nap of my fucking life. I was out for a total of five hours, waking up groggy and feeling like I was in a whole new dimension. Crew stayed with Callum while I passed out in the guest bedroom, cradling the soft sheets against my cheeks, enjoying the feeling of a real bed beneath me for the first time in a really, really long time. The hospital bed had felt like heaven at first, but now that I knew what a real bed felt like again? Oh, it couldn’t compare.

Once I’d crawled out of my little cave, I’d ventured back downstairs to sit with Callum and eat the dinner Crew had prepared. Our first meal together since I’d come back.

Well, I’d always been here. I’d just lived life like a ghost.

Crew left not too long after helping with the dishes, finally going home to his husband after staying with Callum for seven entire days. And now, it was just me, Callum, and Fishy.