Page 55 of The Intimacy of Finding You

“None of it seemed to matter. Not when I was stuck in that cycle. Nothing mattered.”

“Because it didn’t. Surviving mattered the most, and you survived the best way you could.”

He squeezed my hand. “And I’m not alone anymore.”

Shaking my head, I brought his knuckles to my lips, kissing them just as he’d kissed my hand last night. I understood now why he’d lingered for so long, not sure if I had the willpower to move away. “Never again. I’m here. You know that, right? When you’re struggling. When you’re craving. When you need help building your life back up. I’m here. I’ve always been here.”

“I know. Thank god I get to build my life back up with you in it.”

“Exactly. So, let’s start looking through these websites and try to find someone who might be a good fit.”

Just a hint of a smile—that was all I got, and that was all I needed. Tobi was here. Tobi was safe. Tobi was back, and no matter how scary our path was, I knew I was ready to fight each step of the way with him.

Tobi had an intake appointment set for next week and decided to start with a therapist named Kathleen. She seemed to have a lot of experience, and she worked with the hospital’s program. Plus, Tobi seemed the least hesitant after we’d looked over her profile. I took that as a win.

Tomorrow, I’d be working on getting him a phone with a working number, and we’d start talking about different options for jobs. He claimed staying busy had been helping him so far, but I did worry that it’d become more of a hindrance than a help in the near future. Especially if he was keeping so busy he couldn’t think for longer than a few seconds.

It was still early days, though, and I did want him to get insurance so he could see a doctor and get some new glasses. He was still struggling with accepting help, and I knew that if I paid for those things, he’d absolutely riot. Baby steps. Just baby steps. I would be paying for clothing soon, though. That was non-negotiable. If he wanted to pay me back later, I’d put it off for as long as possible, but I’d accept it if it really meant that much to him.

Honestly, keeping busy was helping me, too. I didn’t have time to think about the constant horrors that plagued my mind about Papa and the fact that I’d missed so much work already. I wanted to stay home so I could be here for Tobi, and he wanted to be there for me.

We were trying our best to be there for each other, however that looked.

It gave me hope I hadn’t felt since he’d left. There’d been a giant black hole taking up space where my heart was supposed to be, sitting in wait for someone to fill it, and I was never even sure that someone would come back.

God, I hoped he never left again. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to handle it if he did.

He still hadn’t told me why he’d left the first time, but I found myself not really minding. I knew he’d come to me when he was ready. I had my theories. I had my questions. But I’d listen when he was ready, and that seemed to be enough for him and enough for me.

For now, though, we’d spend our second night under the same roof together. I found comfort in knowing he was just across the hall, only a few steps away if I needed him or if he needed me. It was calmer. Easier to keep the silent discos and crushing grief at bay.

Though I’d crawled into bed alone, wishing it didn’t feel so fucking empty, I fell asleep soundly.

And when I woke up in the middle of the night, my eyes snapping open from a nightmare far too realistic, my heart rate immediately slowed down because of the warm, sleeping body lying right behind me.

chapter twenty-eight

Every night for the past three days, I’d fall asleep alone and wake up with Tobi in my bed. I never said anything about it, and he never did either. It was just something I expected now, waking up with warmth behind me and my bed no longer feeling as vast as space.

I wasn’t sure when exactly he’d sneak in, or why he kept pretending like he wasn’t going to end up in my bed, or why he’d pretend like it never happened. I’m sure he had his reasons, though, and I definitely didn’t mind.

Like now, he was just sitting on the couch, messing with his phone while he waited, as if we hadn’t just woken up beside each other. He had been absolutely enamored, yet mortified, with his new phone. It took a while to show him the basics since his other one had been so old and broken. He still had questions every so often, but he seemed to be getting the hang of it. I never mentioned how much it cost me, but he was still worried about it and kept promising to pay me back. Which, if that was what he wanted to do, then so be it. But I’d secretly try to keep him from doing so.

“You ready?” I called from behind the couch.

He jumped up, and so did Fishy. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Fishy, you can’t come with us. I’m sorry.”

Fishy looked absolutely dejected, but we were meeting with Price and Crew at Fire and Ice, which was definitely not a pet-friendly establishment. Poor baby.

The drive there was mostly silent, with Tobi taking deep breaths every so often to try to regulate himself. I knew he was anxious. Who wouldn’t be? He told me Price had driven him to the hospital when he was detoxing, but aside from that, he hadn’t had a real conversation with him yet.

I glanced over at him just as he wrung his hands together. “I can’t believe y’all went viral on TikTok.”

I huffed a short laugh, turning into the employee parking. “We couldn’t believe it either. Our entire lives changed within a couple of days. Suddenly, we were sold out every single night and booked up to six months in advance. We had to hire a lot of staff and get really smart about scheduling.”

“Damn. But it slowed down, right?”