Page 64 of The Intimacy of Finding You

Tobi’s eyebrows scrunched. “How did you know we have Oreos?”

“Because Callum always has them. Duh. Are they double stuffed this time?”

Groaning, I shook my head. “Yes, but you can’t have any. You always eat them all, and I just bought them. I’m saving them for when I work in the shed.”

Both of their heads jerked to me, Tobi already shaking his. “You eat in the shed when you’re doin’ woodwork?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Dude!”

“Babe!”

They’d both yelled at me at the same time, which was kind of scary. I put my hands up in defense. “Sorry. I’m already breathing it all in, so what’s the harm in eating it, too?”

Tobi’s lips curled downward. “You should be wearing a mask when you do that stuff. Are you sayin’ you don’t?”

Oh. Right. That would be the responsible thing to do. “I’m guessing I’m going to have to now.”

“You got that right. And no more eatin’ in there. Jesus Christ.”

Even when he was getting onto me, I couldn’t help but smile. Big. This was what I’d been waiting for. This right here, with Tobi passionately telling me I was an idiot without telling me I was an idiot. This was the life I’d been dreaming of, with my friends surrounding me and the love of my life loving me.

I just wished Papa could’ve seen it, too. I wished he was here with me, yelling at me alongside them even though he also never wore a mask. He was the one who’d bring me into his shop and eat sandwiches while he’d finish something he was working on.

I’d learned so much from him, and now I was realizing that there was nothing else to learn. He’d given me everything I’d needed to succeed in life. It was time for me to do it without him. Even though that meant missing him until it physically ached.

The cemetery wasn’t too far from the house, only taking us about thirty minutes to get there. What took the longest was finding his grave. We had to walk through long, narrow paths that twisted and turned. I couldn’t help watching the other graves pass us by, some of them decorated, while others were covered in grass and moss.

Though I’d only been here once, my legs remembered how to get there. If I spoke the instructions out loud, I’d probably never find him, but my body knew. My soul knew exactly where to go to find what was constantly tugging on it.

I stopped, still holding Tobi’s hand as we gazed down the final path. This was it. Papa was resting just down the middle and to the left, the final grave in the row.

Tobi squeezed my hand once. “You ready?”

No. Yes. Maybe? No, because it meant facing the reality again. I’d gotten so fucking good at the denial stage of grief, pretending just like Papa and I used to do. Yes, because I wanted to see him. Even if it was just his name on a gravestone. Maybe, because honestly, who was I kidding?

I didn’t think I’d ever be ready. Ready to forget the years of me running down the hallways, him right on my heels, making roaring sounds like my favorite dinosaur. I always thought he was so fucking funny.

The grass was mostly clear of snow now. It was still far too cold to wear anything less than a thick coat, though. There was no crunch beneath our shoes as we walked to his grave. No snow was trying to reach up and hold me where I was. The sun was out, and so were the clouds. There were even some pigeons congregating a few feet in front of us.

I stopped in front of the smooth, gray stone, slowly lowering myself into the grass. It was damp, but I didn’t care. Neither did Tobi, as he sat right beside me, staring straight forward.

What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? I had a million questions that’d never been answered by him, and our time had run out even though it wasn’t supposed to. Papa was eternal. At least, he was meant to be. That was how I saw it as a kid. That was how we’d both seen it as I’d grown up.

But I guess hearts weren’t made to beat forever. They were made to break. Made to shrink. Made to carry the heavy parts of ourselves. A heart attack. A fucking heart attack had taken him from me, and my heart was so fucking broken, so fucking small, and so fucking heavy. What the fuck was I supposed to say to the grave that held the only real father I’d known?

Tobi took my hand in his, the warmth struggling to give me strength. It sparked something behind my ribcage, a flame trying its best to take form. Could I even let it at this point?

Closing my eyes, I tilted my head back, letting the breeze hit my face. “It’s a beautiful day today, Pops. You used to say that even when it was nasty and stormy and so obviously not beautiful. You saw the beauty in everything, though, didn’t you? I always envied that about you.”

He didn’t talk back, but the wind carried the conversation for him. I paused, listening like he could speak to me and me only. Maybe I was hearing him in my heart. Or maybe I was wishing for something so much, I’d made it real in my mind. “I miss you. I keep thinking about that day. I keep thinking about the days before it, too. The day I told you to see a doctor. You never liked to listen much, did you?” I shook my head. “That’s okay, though. You were just stubborn. As stubborn as a mule, just like Tobi. It’s one of the things I love and hate the most about you both, you know.”

Tobi huffed a laugh beside me. “We can’t make things easy. You get how it is, Grandpa Stanton.”

“No, you certainly can’t.” I sighed, staring at the way the stone curved at the top and how shiny it still looked. “Tobi came back. You didn’t get to see that, but he did. I’d like to think you know that, though. That you’re watching over me. Us. Are you smiling wherever you are? Telling me you told me so?”

“I know he is. I can almost hear him yelling at me in my head, telling me just how stupid I’ve been.” Tobi leaned forward, letting go of my hand to caress the polished side of the stone. “I was definitely stupid. I’m here to stay, though. I just wish I could’ve proved myself more to you beforehand.”