Page 41 of The Intimacy of Control

“I started when I was really young. It was my entire life. I trained, I ate the perfect diet, I worked out all the time. The only reason I ever did good in school was so I could keep swimming.” The feel of the water on my skin made everything else go away. No matter what was going on in my drama-filled life, I could count on swimming.

The moment I’d hold my breath and go under, all my problems would sink with my body. I preferred looking at the world through water-distorted lenses. The way light would reflect made it all look easier. Simpler. More beautiful. I could appreciate life differently when I was underwater.

Not anymore, though.

Not since… “I quit when I was seventeen. So, yeah, I did it for a long time.”

“Why’d you quit?”

Hearing that question always made my heart stutter in my chest. I’d heard it a million times after I’d left the team and fired my coach. They couldn’t accept my answer for what it was. My parents didn’t understand. My teammates were outraged because they kept losing without me. Nobody seemed to stop and think about me. About how I felt about everything.

Shaking my head, I zoomed past the question entirely. “What about you?”

Forrest paused, hesitating almost as much as I had. “Uh, I was on the chess team. I wasn’t really interested in sports. I started working out my senior year of high school, and I obviously really enjoy that, but I was more of a nerd than a sports person. I’d always been a reader. I won a lot of rewards for reading a lot when I was in elementary.”

“Did you date a lot?”

“Not really.” He pressed a kiss to my chest. “I had a lot of sex. Meaningless sex. I wasn’t really interested in relationships until I was older, and by then, I’d started immersing myself in the kink world and was working toward opening my bookstore. I’ve dated a couple of people, but they either didn’t last long or didn’t end up as serious as I thought they would.”

“I would’ve thought you'd have had people lining up for a date with you.” I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer to me. I liked having him close to me. Not that I’d admit that to him, of course. “Have you only been with men?”

“Nah. I’m not big on labels, but I’d say I’m closer to pansexual than anything. I just like everyone. Everyone is hot. Why put a label on that?”

I laughed. “You have a point there.”

He tapped my chest. “Oh, when’s your birthday?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“You said you turn forty soon.”

“I forgot I said that. See? I’m getting old, Forrest.”

He pinched my arm and scoffed. “Shut up. Tell me.”

“End of this month. The thirty-first.”

“That’s not far from now. You had lingerie marked as interested, didn’t you?”

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

He shrugged. “No reason. Just curious. Will you be free on your birthday to come see me?”

“I should be.”

“Good.” He slowly sat up, staring down at me. “I’ll make sure to have a good surprise for you, then. But I’m going to need your clothes sizes. Underwear included.”

A fiery, red blush spread across my cheeks. “I, uh, I’ll get those to you. Sure.” I glanced at the large curtain on the other side of the room that hid a sliding glass door. “Can I go smoke on your balcony? I’ll bring a bottle or something for an ashtray.”

“Sure, sweetie.” He bent down and pressed a soft kiss on my lips. “When did you start smoking?”

“ I think I was nineteen when I started. Does it bother you?”

“Would I prefer you didn’t because it’s really bad for you? Yes. But it doesn’t bother me. I was just curious. I have a robe you can borrow if you want, so you’re not totally naked out there.”

I watched him get up and go into the bathroom. All the tattoos on his back were on display, and I couldn’t tear my gaze away from how perfectly his ass moved with each step. I wanted to bite into him. Give him a mark of my own.

I think I wanted to own Forrest as much as he owned me, and that… That was weird. Right? I’d never wanted to mark a one-night stand. Or a fuck buddy.