Page 44 of The Intimacy of Control

He sat down next to me. “So you’re dating, then? It isn’t just sex anymore?”

I stayed silent for a second, picking out books and putting them into a stack. River noticed, because of course he did, deciding to nudge my shoulder annoyingly until I finally said something. “I’m working on it.”

“You really like him, don’t you?”

How could I not? When all I saw was peace when I looked in his eyes. Peace, submission, and something else so fucking intoxicating, yet I had no idea what to call it. Desire, maybe? “Yeah. I do. But I think he’s scared.”

River tightened the stacks after me as I went. Mine were a bit wonky, honestly. “Of what? Commitment?”

“That and something else. Something deeper. I’m not sure what, but it’s enough to terrify him.”

“You’ll figure it out. You always do.”

I turned the box over, tearing it down the middle to break it down. “I know I will. I just hope he does, too.”

“If anyone can help him face his fears, it’s you. You’re, like, really good at helping people. Making them feel safe or whatever. So. Yeah. I think you’ll both be fine.”

I had to pause for a second. River was being nice to me. It was a bit stilted, but he was still being nice unprompted. He never did that. “Thanks, Riv.”

He stood up and threw the stick from his sucker into the trash. “Ew. Don’t be weird about it. You almost ready?”

“Yep. We need to stop by the flower shop on the way.”

“Mami will be happy to see us both under her roof at the same time. I wonder what she’s cooking.”

All I had left to do was alphabetize the books and put them on the rolling cart for Camila to shelve. This was where my glasses came in handy the most. “I don’t know, but I’m starving. Shouldn’t be much longer. Take my keys and go wait in the car or something.”

For all the grief he gave me, I still loved him enough to drive him around places. Did that make me a good big brother? Or did that make me an enabler? I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t really want to know either. As long as he stopped shoving his nose into my business, then we’d be fine.

Mamá smiled big and bright as I handed her the bouquet of cempasúchil. I loved seeing her smile. She pulled me into a big hug, smelling like a combination of poblano peppers, onions, and an array of other spices. It was always such a comforting smell. “Beautiful. These will be perfect for the ofrenda, thank you.”

“Anything for you and Papi.” I gave her a kiss on her cheek. “It smells delicious in here.”

“Yeah,” River butted in, waltzing straight for the kitchen. “What did you make?”

Mamá rolled her eyes but followed him. I was right on her heel, picking up the scent before she even said anything. “Sopa poblano. Your brother’s favorite.”

River scowled. “Why his favorite? What’s so special about him?”

I punched the air, racing to grab a bowl from the cupboard. “She loves me more than she loves you, that’s what.”

“Can you be nice for one meal, huh? Going to give me a heart attack one day.” Mamá shook her head.

“Yeah, Riv, be nice to me.”

“Fuck off.”

“What did I say? Sit. Both of you.”

I was about to ladle some of the soup into my bowl, but I paused, pointing to the pot on the stove.

“Sit.”

Yeah, she had the stern tone in her voice. I sat quicker than I’d ever sat any other time. She took my bowl, dished some out for me, then grabbed another for River, doing the same. She’d even sprinkled some tortilla strips on mine and some grated cheese on River’s. There was still steam rising off the surface, just waiting for me to burn my tongue on it.

My mouth was watering. If I could have this every day of my life, I would in an instant. I had so many good memories attached to the smell of it alone. “Gracias, Mami.”

“Gracias, Mami.” River echoed.