Page 63 of The Intimacy of Control

Swallowing past the water in my throat, I nodded.

And then I ran away. Swam away. Got the fuck away before I could make everything worse than it already was.

It was late. I knew that. I knew I shouldn’t expect much. I wasn’t even totally sure why I was here instead of at Callum and Tobi’s house.

Slowly, I made my way up the steps and knocked on the door. Once. Twice. I listened to the eerie silence on the other side, wondering if I was right and it was too late. If it was too late, I’d have to somehow climb my way out of the water myself and face the wrath of Forrest’s brother on my own. I would’ve deserved it.

A third knock. This time, the door handle twisted and turned, opening to Price on the other side. He squinted at me, blinking a couple of times. His face was red and splotchy, and…it looked like his shirt was on inside out. “Uh, hi. What are you doing here?”

“Sorry. Uh. Can I talk to you? And Crew? I’m sorry.”

He sighed, brushing a hand through his hair. “What is up with people showing up at our door at the most inconvenient times?” I was about to step back and go the fuck home when he shook his head and stepped to the side. “Come on. Go sit on the couch. I’ll grab Crew.”

Their couch was nice. When I sat on it, I started to sink almost immediately. The last time I’d been here—the only time I’d been here—was at Christmas with Callum. It’d been my first time meeting everyone. Christmas food from people who cooked for a living was fucking heaven.

I leaned my head against the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling. I’d wondered for a moment if I could focus on it long enough to find my way back to the surface, or if I’d be stuck at the bottom of the ocean, wailing and thrashing and waiting for something to save me. Waiting for someone to save me.

Crew and Price rounded into the living room, both plopping down in front of me. Crew crossed his leg over his knee, turning his body toward me. “What’s going on, Jack? Not that you can’t come to us, but were Callum and Tobi not around? I know you’re closer to them.”

I shook my head, fiddling with one of the seams on the couch cushion. “I didn’t try. I, um. I just. It’s almost better that I barely know you guys, I guess? I don’t know. I need to talk to someone. But talking to Cal or Tobi feels too, um. Personal. I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I think that makes perfect sense. We ain’t judgin’. Spill. You look absolutely tore up about something.”

Honestly, I wasn’t totally sure where to begin. I tried to sift through all the thoughts in my head, trying to make them cohesive enough to turn into spoken words. “You guys have known Tobi a long time, right?”

Crew nodded. “Yeah, you could say that. Me longer than Price and Callum if you want to get technical. Why?”

“Do you…” I bit my bottom lip, trying to figure out the best way to ask. “Do you know anything about his past?”

Price turned his head immediately, looking at Crew. Crew glanced down at the floor, no longer looking at me. “We do. We know about his past, and he recently opened up to us about what happened while he was gone. Why?”

“Um, so. Uh.” Fuck, I could hardly find the words to start, much less make them mean anything. “Okay, I’ve been seeing someone, right? He’s rough with me. Consensually. Like, I’ve always been into that sorta thing, and we’ve talked at length about limits and safe words and all that. Well, Tobi walked in while Forrest—the guy I’m seeing—was being handsy with me. Again, consensually.”

Price frowned. “Oh, no.”

I sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, it wasn’t good. Tobi tore him off me and beat him up a little. Then, he had a panic attack, and… Yeah. The thing is, it fucked me up. Really fucked me up. Like, it freaked me out because I have issues, okay? I have issues, and it felt like it was a premonition, and I feel so goddamn awful about freaking Tobi out. Really awful. Horrible. God, I can’t get his cries out of my head.” I rubbed a hand over my face. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say, honestly. I just know that one second, I finally had my shit somewhat together and was going to ask Forrest to be my boyfriend instead of my fuck buddy, and the next, I told him we can’t see each other anymore, and I’m running. I ran.”

Crew nodded slowly, absorbing my complete word vomit. “Okay. What made you come here, then? What made you realize you were running?”

“His little brother came to my bar and told me off because Forrest is crying at their mom’s house. He said he’s never seen Forrest cry.”

“Oof.” Price hissed through his teeth. “First of all, the fact that you’ve realized you don’t really want to run means you’re close to figuring your issue out.”

“What do you mean, I’ve realized I don’t want to run?”

“He means that you’re here.” Crew put his hand on Price’s leg. “I know all about running, Jack. I did it for a long time. I ran from Price, even. But you know what I ended up doing? I ran to him in the end. I ran off into a history-making blizzard with nothing on me, and then I ran to his apartment after wandering in the snow for hours.”

“The snowstorm.”

“Yep. The snowstorm. Everyone was worried about me. And for good reason. I had issues, too.” He uncrossed his legs, leaning forward a bit. “I used to be a sex worker. I had a pretty big reputation, too. My reputation was all about the fact that I only took clients who were willing to beat the crap out of me.”

My eyes widened. “Holy fuck. I had no idea.”

He let out a long breath. “Yeah. Did I enjoy it? No. Had I convinced myself I did? You bet. I had issues, too. Issues that made me fear the intimacy of a gentle, kind relationship like Price wanted for us. We started as friends with benefits, I caught feelings, I got scared, and I ran. I ran and ran and ran even though that didn’t help a single thing. I was terrified. Terrified of what it would mean to give my heart to someone. When I gave in, though? It was the best thing I’d ever done in my entire life.”

“Sounds like we’re more similar than I thought.”

“We are. I can’t make you do anything. What we have to say won’t change what you do. But I can tell you that it gets easier, and I can tell you it’s worth it if Forrest is the one for you. Price was the one for me. He was my catalyst. He was what made life feel like it was worth living again. He made the hard part worth it. Is Forrest worth it, Jack?”