Page 72 of The Intimacy of Control

“Okay, I can do that.” I stepped over the ledge, sticking my feet into the water. I stayed that way and held my hand out. “Want to come grab my hand? I’ll help you in, and I won’t let you go. I promise.” He took a small step forward, then paused. I could see his chest rise and fall quicker than before as the anxiety started to take over, but he took another step. “You’re being so brave. I’m proud of you.”

“I don’t feel brave. I feel ridiculous. I’m forty years old, yet I’m terrified of a fucking jacuzzi.”

“You have a fear because of a horrible experience when you were younger. Would you say I was ridiculous if the roles were reversed?”

“No.”

“Then don’t be mean to my boyfriend.”

He laughed, taking another step. “Boyfriend. It sounds juvenile, doesn’t it? At my age, anyway.”

“Well, does ‘partner’ sound better?”

Another step. One more, and he’d reach my hand. “No, not really. I think I like when you call me your boyfriend.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Final step. He took a deep breath before taking my hand, holding onto it tight.

“That’s it, honey. You’re doing so well. You’re safe, and I’m right here.”

“Yep. Safe. Mhmh.” He slowly let me help him in, staring down at the water.

I quickly took his chin with my other hand, forcing him to look at me instead. “Isn’t this nice? It’s warm, and I’m right here with you.”

He shook his head but let me pull him down further into the water. Only a little.

I held him the entire way down. It was slow work, but we got there. I held him through every shaky breath and uncertain whine from his mouth. Though I saw fear flash across his eyes, he fought it, gripping onto me for guidance.

The moment we were both seated with his back against my chest, I pulled him as close as possible. His heart was pounding, but I had him. He was safe, and I kept reminding him of that. Just whispers of encouragement to push through the memories flashing across his mind.

I kissed the back of his ear. “You did so well, baby. I’m right here. I’m with you. I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?”

“I know,” he whispered. “I know. I know I’m safe with you.” The back of his head settled on my shoulder as he tilted it back. “I have nightmares every night. They went away for a while, but they came back, and I’ve had them almost every single night since. They’re always the same, and I rarely ever get any sleep.”

“Are they about the drowning?”

“Mhmh. Always. It’s just a replay of the same thing over and over. Every second. Every moment. Every feeling. I never die in them, but I get close. When I wake up, it’s like I never even fell asleep in the first place. I’m more exhausted than when I fell asleep. I get maybe three hours, tops.”

I pressed a kiss against the side of his head. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve never had one when I fall asleep with you.”

“Really?”

“Really. I fall asleep, stay asleep, and have the best fucking sleep of my life. I always feel so damn rested the next morning.”

“That explains how you sleep for so long when you come over.” I ran my hands over his chest, taking a moment to feel his skin underneath my palms. “I wonder why they don’t happen when you’re with me.”

He turned his head, nuzzling into the side of my neck. “Because I feel safe.”

My heart sped up a little bit at that. I got to be his safe space? The place where he could sleep peacefully? I squeezed him a little. “I’m glad I can do that for you. I hope it stays that way.”

“Well, if it doesn’t, I know you’ll help me through it either way.”

“Of course.” I sighed, looking up at the ceiling. I couldn’t believe this was where we were now. After spending far too long thinking we were destined to be nothing more than friends with benefits, I got to love him.

After Mamá and River had seen me so broken. After sobbing into my pillow all night long, wondering where I’d gone wrong. I thought maybe I’d simply gotten my hopes up for no reason. I was crushed.