Page 84 of The Intimacy of Control

I nudged his shoulder. “With all my heart.” I knew Grandma was probably sick of hearing our little bicker sessions by now. We came to see her often enough that she got to hear everything about our lives on the regular.

Since I couldn’t pick up the phone and call her or run over to her house anymore, this was the next best thing.

Grabbing Forrest’s hand, I leaned forward, showing both of ours to her gravestone. “Look at our rings. Aren’t they pretty?” They were a matching set of gold with silver embedded in the center. I pretended like she was agreeing, smiling and nodding and holding our hands to kiss the backs of them. “I know, right?”

“Your grandson cried the entire time, by the way. My family was getting worried he was going to end up dehydrated.”

I smacked the side of Forrest’s arm. “You didn’t have to tell her that.”

He took his hand from me, shrugging. “She probably already saw it go down. Not my fault.”

“You cried too. Don’t forget that part.”

“How could I not? You looked so handsome, and you were gonna be mine. For real.”

Yeah, I got that. I understood all too well. Just thinking about it made me tear up again, which honestly made me mad. The moment I’d started to walk down the aisle, surrounded by all our friends and Forrest’s family, I’d fucking lost it. Absolutely lost it. Completely inconsolable, gasping through every word in my vows to him.

The realization that I was going to be a Castillo had hit me, and it hit me hard.

I wrapped an arm around his, leaning my head on his shoulder. “We’re handing our work off to other people for a week and going to the beach.” I gave a pause, making sure Grandma had space to talk, too. “I know. It’s as much of a shock to you as it was to me.”

“He’s been doing really well, though.” Forrest kissed my head. “We think he’s ready to face the ocean, even if it means only looking at it from afar.”

“I’m going to try to get my foot in it, at least. Maybe not swim or anything, but at least touch the ocean, y’know? Forrest has faith in me.”

“I have all the faith in you, sweetie. But we’ll take it slow and see how things go.”

We’d been building my tolerance to large bodies of water. We’d made it to the shallow end of a swimming pool. I hadn’t gone underwater yet, but like Forrest said, we’d been taking it slow. There wasn’t any rush. I’d simply decided to try to face my one final fear in the eyes of control.

It was kind of funny. I’d started to realize that, in my effort to gain control of anything and everything in my life, I’d lost it entirely without even realizing it. I’d never had control. I’d been clinging to an idea, never truly understanding that it wasn’t even reality.

The moment I’d slipped and fallen into the ocean, I’d lost control and never truly gained it back.

I was going to gain it back, and Forrest was going to help me.

The late June heat was starting to take its toll on both of us. Forrest’s forehead was already dripping with sweat, and I knew I had armpit stains in my fancy shirt. It was time to go home and get some sleep before our road trip in the morning.

“Well, Grandma, it was nice to see you. We’re going to head out so we can get an early start tomorrow.”

Forrest got up on his knees and waved to her gravestone. “Good seeing you, Grandma. We’ll come back soon.”

My chest had never felt lighter. My heart had never felt happier. We’d skipped out on a reception so that we could have plenty of time to come see Grandma as soon as we’d said our goodbyes to everyone.

My husband took my hand, squeezing it tightly as we made our way back to the car. His car, because he was driving. The only person in the world I’d get in the passenger seat with.

Holding my breath wasn’t the calmest I’d ever felt anymore, but it was a close second. I let my body sink beneath the water, opening my eyes after a few seconds. Just above the surface, I could see Forrest on the shore, cheering me on.

I wasn’t very far, and I was fully sitting on my ass in order to get deep enough to put my head under, but I’d done it. I’d made it. I was in the ocean, under the water, and I wasn’t panicking. I wasn’t drowning.

Though this wasn’t my safety or my home away from home anymore, I still loved the feeling. Everything moved differently beneath the water. The sun shined brighter, and people looked so much happier. It wasn’t as dark as I’d remembered. It wasn’t as cold.

It was warm and inviting. It was everything I’d ever remembered loving. It reminded me of a life I used to be so fucking excited for, always racing right to the edge of the pool, eager to dive right in and let the water take over.

When I came back up, I still ran straight to Forrest, but he caught me, and everything was okay. There was nothing to fear. No control to lose.

I’d gained it back, and I’d gained it back right in Forrest’s arms, hearing his heartbeat and feeling his skin against mine.

Six Months Later