Page 44 of Hollywood, Ending

“Agreed. Wait, I think I’ve got it. If you don’t mind waiting until two fifty, we can see Norse Redemption. Eight percent fresh. The Guardian says, ‘One grows accustomed in this line of work to uninspired films, but Norse Redemption is truly extraordinary in its failures. Although presumably it is cold in Norway or Sweden or wherever this ninety-seven minutes of ridiculousness is set, the men are always shirtless and slathered in sweat, which is the sole blessing of the film. The performances of the actors’ pectoral muscles are far more compelling than those of their faces.’ ”

“Well,” said Juniper. “Doesn’t that seem literally perfect?”

_____

And it was. We were alone in the movie theater, and so we got to shout at the screen all through Norse Redemption, which was much funnier than any comedy could have been. At one point, the main bad guy says, “No gods, no kings, only Odin,” and Juniper said, “I’m pretty sure Odin is a god?” And then I said, “No gods, no kings, only certain gods.”

“No gods, no kings, only one queen, Agrippah,” Juniper added.

_____

“Well, that certainly improved my opinion of Andy Warhol Never Gets Old,” Juniper said as we walked out of the theater.

“Right?” I said.

“Was there a woman in that film?”

“Sure,” I said. “The maiden. At the beginning.”

“Oh, yeah, the sexualized object that was dragged away by the villain so that we could internalize the villain’s true villainy.”

“Also, the mother.”

“Right, of course, the thing that provided food and blankets to the human characters.”

“I think between them they had at least eight lines,” I said.

“I guess that’s the good thing about Andromeda,” Juniper said. “Agrippah has some depth. Carries some action. And I think the love story between her and Gavinth is actually kind of sweet. They’ve got a good Obstacle. It’s a structurally sound film, really. It’s just about…”

“Orcs,” I said.

“Yes. Quite.”

I stopped at the edge of the parking lot and said, “It would be fun to be in Vancouver with you. But you’d be spending all your time with whatever meathead they get to play Gavinth.”

She looked over at me, smiling. “Probably someone from the movie we just watched.” Right then, I saw someone in the parking lot with a large camera taking our picture. The camera made a loud snapping sound, and the bearded guy behind it said, “What movie did you see?” We didn’t say anything.

“How long have you been dating?” asked the man.

I was just frozen there until Juniper grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the car. We got in and drove away. “That was weird,” she said.

“Did you tell anyone you’d be here?”

“I told Katie I was going to a movie with you. I’m supposed to keep her informed of where I go. Whatever, it’s just a photographer.”

I looked at Juniper, at her sundress, at her makeup. “Did you dress up for him?”

“For who?”

“For the fucking photographer.” I knew as I said it that I was angrier than I ought to be, but I didn’t know why. “Did you know about last night? Was that all…acting?”

“Christ, Kai, no. No. Shit like that happens all the time. I don’t need to arrange for creepy fans. Now, did Katie send that photographer to this movie theater? Probably. But that’s totally different from arranging an…assault or whatever.”

“Did you dress up for him?”

“Calm down,” she said. I asked a third time. Finally, after a long pause she said, “I am not dressed up. If I want to dress up, you’ll know that I’m dressed up. And if I thought about anyone when I chose this particular dress, it was you. So thanks for noticing, I guess.”

“Sorry,” I said after a second. “I feel like I can’t tell what is real right now.”