Page 117 of Let’s Be Real

The longer I stared, the more phallic it became.

Maybe this was a test. If you saw dicks in lighthouses, you needed therapy.

Well, it was confirmed. Sign me up.

I almost laughed, but my heart being carved out of my chest had put a damper on things.

Roman opened the office door and nodded to me. “They’re going to keep him. He wants to say goodbye.”

I was out of my seat before he’d finished speaking, Adrian close behind me.

Not wanting to be rushed, though I already knew I wouldn’t have enough time, I let Adrian hug him first.

When Adrian stepped away, Nate turned to me, defeat curling his shoulders forward. I rushed forward, and this time, it was me burying my face in his neck. His arms were loose around my lower back, but his face dug deep into my hair.

I didn’t know if it was possible to memorize a hug, but I did my best. I soaked up his scent, the feel of him in my arms, his voice telling me he loved me and he was sorry for everything. I didn’t care about those words, just the sound of the man who was saying them.

Pulling back, I cupped his scruffy jaw. “I’m going to see you soon. I’ll be here waiting for you on the other side.”

For the first time tonight, there was a light in his eyes as they bounced over my face. I stood still, letting him study me for as long as he needed.

All too soon, he nodded. “See you later, Sammie.”

That was that. Roman, Adrian, and I walked out of the private clinic, leaving Nate behind, and I’d never felt more wrong in my life. I wanted to run back in, tell them they couldn’t keep him. He belonged to us.

Except the safest place he’d been tonight hadn’t been in my arms. It was in that building.

I’d never hated anything more. Not even Josh.

The three of us stopped outside the doors and huddled together. Roman had been stoic through it all, and he finally let his ache show. And Adrian, my grumpy, scowly best friend for life, looked so wounded I would have scooped him up and cradled him if I could. But I was dealing with my own gut-wrenching anguish. The best we could do was lean into each other.

Thankfully, neither of them commented on how hard I was crying. I couldn’t seem to stop. Every time I caught my breath, another sob tore through. They let me do it, possibly even shedding a few tears of their own.

Roman was the first to gather himself. Like the caretaker he was, he ushered us into the car and passed out tissues. Then he got into the driver’s seat and let his head fall onto the steering wheel.

“Was this what it was like the first time?” Adrian asked.

“Something like this.” Roman didn’t pick his head up. “I don’t get it. He’s on meds. It was supposed to make him better. I thought he was. I thought…”

“He hid it,” I whispered. “He didn’t want us to know.”

“He’s not supposed to do that,” Adrian muttered. “He knows that.”

“Don’t be angry at him,” I said.

“I’m not. Not at him.” He threw up his hands. “I’m just really fucking angry.”

“Me too.” I reached for him, squeezing his hand hard.

Roman let out a dry laugh. “You know who’s going to be really angry?”

“Benny,” Adrian replied.

“Mmhmm. He would’ve wanted to be here.” Roman dragged his fingers through his hair. “Maybe I should’ve woken him up too.”

“He’ll understand.” I wasn’t as close with Roman, but still, I leaned forward from the back seat to pat his shoulder. “There wasn’t time.”

“Right.” He nodded a few times. “He’s Ben. He’ll get it. But…”