Page 70 of The Silent Princess

“It will be okay because I know exactly what to do,” I lie, shame coating me all over. No, Ella, I do not know where Cole is. And no, I am not calm or composed. All of this is a fucking facade because picturing you away from me tears me apart, and I need you to stay here, safe, while I find a way to find Cole and stop him once and for all. So no, Ella, I have no idea what I am doing for the first time in a decade.

She nods, but tears betray her, and small sobs escape her.

“Ella, baby, look at me.” A frown wears her face, tiredness along with worry, and I want to take it away. Think. Think. What did Nate use to do to try to cheer me up after I got sent home from fighting at school and Mom and Dad threatened to send me away to juvie?

“I…” This is so stupid. What am I doing? “Um.” Come on, just try to put a smile on her face. “Would you, um, would you rather dance in front of a hundred people or have your palms sealed with concrete for a whole year?” A smile shatters her sadness, and a joyful burst of laughter, even though silent, slashes through her. Crisis averted. That would flatten Nate. He’s always taunting me for being too stuck up. I would tell him, see? I am good at humor.

The clock says four a.m., and I’m torn between sleeping on the floor next to her and sliding under the sheets to cuddle her, which feels like a dangerous, slippery slope.

“Palms sealed,” she signs, “because I could never recover from dancing in front of strangers. You?”

“Yeah, palms sealed too. I’ll bark orders and ask Nate to sign stuff for me.”

“Why not dancing in front of strangers?”

“My level of dancing is…um, beginner level.”

“I was expecting you to be a trained ballroom dancer. I’m very disappointed.” She taunts, and I almost grin because, hell, this woman not only has my heart in a chokehold, but she is injecting joy into my veins like a drip. “I said I was a beginner, not a total incompetent.” One day, I will show her that I may be rusty, but I can pull my weight to make a woman dance. Especially if she is mine. A second passes as I stroke her cheek, a comfortable silence surrounding us as we relish in the closeness of the other.

“You made me laugh.” Her hands, which were on my arms, rise as she signs, a little yawn coming right after. “Tristan?” she says silently, but I catch it nonetheless, the unique motion of her kissable lips, lips I have not dared touch again since we arrived, lips that have been tempting me like siren chants and oasis in deserts.

“Yeah?”

“Could you stay here tonight? With me?” She pats the place next to her, and I stop stroking her cheek.

“As much as I would like that, I am going to sleep there.” I point at the armchair next to her side of the bed. “I’ll watch over you.” She shakes her head.

“You can’t sleep in a chair. It’s your house. I… I’ll take the chair if you don’t want to…” She stops, realization hitting her, as if not sleeping next to her means I don't want to. Hell, no. Catching her chin gently, I raise it to meet my gaze.

“There is not a cell in my body that does not want me to lie next to you. But I am holding on by a very thin thread right now, Ella, and…” I wince, looking away before zeroing back at her pink lips. “I could not live with myself if we were to indulge in something you were not ready for.” Her eyes land on my lips, her breathing catching, pupils dilating. See? I knew it. Closeness, as comforting as it is, is too dangerous right now. And I won't let us go too fast and burn our chance to become something more just because I cannot control myself around her.

Ella is ten years younger than me. She has never been with anyone before, and her existence, although difficult and tedious, has been quite sheltered. Not to mention our economic and social disparities, which, even though I intend to correct that situation real soon, are enough to insert a power dynamic between us. Not in the way that I would ever take advantage of her, but looking from the outside, I technically could. Being in a position of power and control has always been second nature to me, but here…it is different. Here, I am not the heir of the Ashford name. I am Tristan, and she is Ella, both of us just being people. A flash of her in a wedding gown, walking toward me, then with a belly filled with our kid, and her running in the garden, laughing silently while I try to catch her, is enough to get my shit together.

Ella is the most precious gift I have ever been given. Life did not go easy on her, and she had to handle way too much shit for her young self. This ends now. I will take care of her, correct what has been stolen from her, and make sure we move on together into more, in a way that makes her comfortable, valued, and in control. We will go at her pace, her own tempo. Even if I have to strike a wall with my fist every night, I will. Because Ella is becoming the moon and the stars and my whole universe all at once, and I am not planning on messing this up.

“But I need you,” she signs, frowning, her lower lip shaking.

“I’ll be right here, watching you.”

“But…”

“Ella, please, it is already hard enough.” Bracing for her next impossible plea, I try to focus. “I want you to trust me, to see that I am right here,” I swallow, “for the long run.”

Her lips part, then she signs, “The long run?”

“And everything that it implies.”

“But we hardly know each other.”

“Yet I knew it the moment I walked in on you in the office the first time we met. Didn’t you?” My feet are mentally above a cliff, waiting for her answer. She nods shyly.

“Have you ever kissed a man before me?” I ask, trying to sound casual when the idea itself burns me from the inside. A shake of her head sets the fire down. I gave her her first kiss. The caveman in me pounds on his chest, and I try to ignore the implication of that thought. Whatever. I am the first and last man who will ever kiss Ella, and that is all that matters.

“Did you ever have a boyfriend?”

“No,” she says silently.

“That’s why we need to take it slow,” I say, even if I flinch at the end. When have I ever taken it slow with a woman? Relationships were never on my radar, so I didn't bother with that sort of thing.