Page 104 of Her Accidental Highlander Husband

“For leaving you.”

“Aye, but I know why you did it. I gave you and Lach hell, but I would have done the same in your place. Still…”

“I left you.”

“Yes. And you’ll be doing it again sooner than we realize, and I hate you for it. I’ll be alone again.” He clung to her and kissed her hair. “I love you so much. You’re my very soul.”

His words filled her with both joy and sadness. He’d never said these things before. Hadn’t wanted these feelings between them. But they had grown despite their mutual desire not to become attached.

She entwined her fingers with his over their child. “You’ll not be alone this time. Our child will be with you.”

“I’ve never been so eager for something yet feared it so deeply.”

“I think that is true of all fathers.”

He let out a deep breath and squeezed her closer. “When my father left me, I blamed him for not being a better warrior. For falling in battle because he’d not trained hard enough. When my mother left me, I grew angry because she’d given in to her loneliness. When you go, I don’t want to feel that way about you. I want to hold on to the love I feel for you and the joy I know in your arms. But I fear I’m not strong enough to do so. Hate and anger are easier.”

“Do you still hate your parents for leaving you?”

“Nay. In time I realized it was the way of things.”

Such realizations came with age and maturity.

“Then perhaps, in time, you’ll be able to put your anger aside and think well of me, too.”

…

When Mari was asleep, Cam slipped out of their bed to go to the library for a drink. His mind wouldn’t still, and his heart grew more frantic with every tick of the clock.

He loved his wife.

He’d known it. It was the thing that had driven him to tear off for London to try and save her. But he hadn’t said as much. He hadn’t admitted to her how he felt until now.

He poured a whisky and sat in the dark. He was well into his fourth glass when a ghost appeared before him. He jumped, then realized it was the dowager in a flowing night robe. Surely a specter wouldn’t look so displeased.

“You’re drinking all the good whisky in the house,” she accused.

“Aye,” he answered, noticing his tongue felt a bit numb. “It’s almost as good as the MacKinlay stores.”

She sniffed at that and sat next to him. “Why are you drinking? Mari could have the child any day now. You should be alert and ready.”

He nodded, but his nod turned into a sway of his head the other way. “As soon as the babe is born, she’ll be taken. And—” A sob broke free and he hung his head. “I wish to be hardened like you. My own mother was weak and succumbed to the pain of her broken heart, leaving me alone to fend for myself. I can’t do that to our child. I need to find a way to go on, but I don’t see how, loving her the way I do.”

“You don’t want this either, Cameron,” the dowager said, placing a hand on his arm. “Hiding behind walls this thick means there’s no escape from the hell you create for yourself.”

She took the glass from his slack fingers and set it aside. “I wasn’t prepared for the pain, so I didn’t know any other course but to wrap it around myself and wear it like armor. You have a choice. You can do better for your child than your mother did for you. Better than I did for mine.”

When Cam awoke, he wasn’t sure she’d ever been there. But her words remained, and with a groggy head he got up to face whatever the day would bring.

At one in the afternoon, Mari cringed with her first pain.

Cam’s heart shattered.

Their time was nearly over.

…

Mari gazed down at her daughter with a tumult of emotions whipping around her like winds on the moor. She felt all of them so much clearer than ever before.